Where do I belong?
by GingerNeko
Summary: A boy trying to cope with life the way he knows better. Not that great summary, you actually have to read it to understand. Warning inside. Chapter 13!
1. Chapter 1

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N**_ Hey there! This is my first gravitation fic and it's actually the first time I post a fic. I wrote it last night, after a little "incident" and today I decided to post it and see how it goes. It's very short but this is kind of a prologue. If I feel like it and I get some reviews, maybe I'll write a full story._

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Only the events.

Warnings: Self-harm

--------------------

The silence of an empty room. The noise of a busy street. The sound of a blanket being pulled into a cold body, in a futile attempt of getting the warm it should provide. The noise of cars passing on the street and some dogs barking. The darness of an empty room. The semi-darkness outside. The light from a tv on mute. The lights from the street lamps that iluminate the strangers outside. A stereo playing. The noise outside. The sound of a blanket being pulled from the cold body. The sound of a hand grasping a knife on the nightstand. The sound of a knife in contact with skin. The silent sound of it being cut.

A memory. A cut. Another memory. Another cut.

The blood falling from the arm to the blanket. A small relief. The almost inexistent pain.

A new memory. A new cut.

More blood shed into the white blanket. Still no pain.

More cuts, one after another, more and more deep.

Blood flowing down on the pale skin. No attempt to stop it from staining the already stained blanket.

Relief. Relief from a heart full of pain. Relief from bittersweet memories. Relief from life.

Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

Cut until there is no more skin to cut.

Two bloody arms. A socked once white blanket. A bloody knife put back on the nightstand.

A body lifting itself from the bed, searching for a new source of relief. A pack of cigarets found lying on the floor. A lighter just next to it. A hand pulling a cigaret from its card prision. The sound of bare feet walking to a window. The sound of a cigaret being lit. The soft sound of a breath inhaling smoke. The soft sound of a breath exhaling smoke. The instant relief of nicotine rushing through the veins.

The artificially iluminated city. The cars running. People walking in a fast pace. The wet street from recent rain. The cold wind blowing. A sad face exhaling the smoke from the cigaret. Blood still falling on the floor. Memories of past events. Memories of recent events. Memories of five minutes ago. Guilt building up inside. Beautiful eyes feeling dry with the need to cry but finding themselves unable to. Eyes that haven't cried for so long. Eyes that have losed the capacity to cry.

A cigaret being put off on the ashtray. A last look at the city below.

The sound of a body lying down on a bed. The sound of the music still playing on the stereo. The sound of cars outside. The distant voices of people on the street. The noise from the neighbours. Doors closing. Chairs being pulled on the floor. The darkness of a lonely room. The fading light from the tv. A troubled mind.

A look into the cut arms. A light touch on the dry blood. The thought of cleaning it but having no intentions of doing so. Memories coming back. Memories that hurt. Memories that should have been away for awhile. The little physical pain from minutes ago that have completely disappeared. The mental pain returning full force. The need to cry but not being able to. Questions unanswered. A body covering under the stained blanket. Sleep taking over. A soft whisper escaping the tender lips.

"Yuki..."

-----------

**A.N. **_And that's it. Please, let me know if you liked it or not. I know is not much but I would like to know how bad or good it is. And if you have any questions feel free to ask me. _

_R&R. Thanks_


	2. Chapter 2

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N**_ Hello again. This is the first chapter. It's quite different from the prologue but it has a reason to be so. You'll understand it later. And I want to thank my reviewers, I'm glad you guys liked it. Enjoy!_

_(I'm sorry for the spelling and grammar errors in this and the previews chapter, but I don't have an english spell corrector and I didn't have the time re-read it. Sorry about that. And feel free to correct me.) _

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or its characters. So, don't sue. I have no money.

Warnings: a little swear. Self-harm talk.

Chapter 1

Shuichi opened an eye lazily. The room was still dark apart from the fading light of the tv. He looked at the nighstand clock and saw it was almost 1 a.m. 'Shit!' Suddenly he felt his arms itching and looked at them. 'Damn. I should have cleaned them.' He rushed to the bathroom and turned on the water, putting his bloody arms under the cold liquid. He gasped when the cold water hit is injured arms but he ignored the pain.

After making sure no blood was left, he turned the tap off and grabed a towel to dry his arms. The red marks contrasted with his white skin. He throw the now wet towel into the laundry basket. Remembering the time he rushed back to the bedroom and looked at the mess he had made. The once white blanket was now stained with red blood - probably ruined - and the white floor had little blood puddles from the bed to the window.

"Shit..." He said aloud to no one. Giving a quick glace at the clock he grabed the bloody blanket and took it to the laundry basket. He then went to the kitchen and took a wet cloth to clean the floor and returned to the bedroom.

He cleaned all the blood in no time and was going to the kitchen again when he saw the bloody knife on the nightstand. He took it and cleaned it, put it back on the drawer, away from strange eyes.

After making sure everything was in order he went to the closet and took a new blanket and a long sleeved sweater and slid under the covers, falling asleep soon after.

--

At 2 a.m. a door opened and a tired man entered the apparently empty appartment. He closed the door and walked into the living room, putting his keys on the small table and taking off his coat. He then went to the kitchen and took a can of beer. He opened it and took a swig.

After a minute or two of just standing there looking at nothing in particular he walked to his bedroom. He opened the door quietly, entered the silent room and closed the door again. He took off his shoes and went to the bathroom. He notice the large pile of clothes on the laundry basket but didn't pay too much attention to it. He turned on the shower and took off his clothes. Making sure the temperature was acceptable he entered the shower, feeling the hot liquid running down on his tired backs and greeting it.

--

Fifteen minutes later, the tired and now very sleepy man stepped out of the shower and took a dry towel to dry himself. Exiting the bathroom with just a towel around his waist he re-entered the bedroom and walked to the drawer to get a pair of clean boxer shorts. Then, for the first time since he arrived home, he looked at the bed. If he didn't know better he would have said that no one was there, but he knew that a thin body was lying on the large bed, wrapped in the warm blanket. He walked to the bed and slowly sat on it, pushing a bit of the blanket down. A strand of pink hair appeared from behind the covers and the man pushed the blanket a little bit down, just enough to see the face whose hair belonged to sleeping peacefully. He stared at the beautiful face for a while, not even realizing it until the soft moan escaped the pink haired beauty and he slowly opened a violet eye.

The pink haired boy, after recognising the one disturbing his sleep, opened both his eyes and lift his head.

"How long have you been there?"

"Just a few minutes."

"Just staring at me?"

"... Yes."

The pink haired boy felt that the world could end right now and he wouldn't care.

"Does that mean you missed me?"

"I didn't say that."

"..."

The pink haired beauty hung his head, feeling the happiness from just minutes ago vanish. The other man seeing this felt bad and decided to tell the young boy the truth.

"Ok, so maybe I did miss you."

"Really?!" The young one looked up, hapiness written all over his face.

"Yeah, really." The man smile at the hapiness these simple words could give the young boy.

"I missed you too!"

The older of the two approched the pink haired boy slowly and kissed him on the lips with passion.

"God, I missed you Shuichi..." The man whispered into the boy's ear after the two broke apart.

Shuichi felt chills down his spine at the whispered words and hugged the other man tighly.

"I missed you too... I love you, Yuki..." Shuichi whispered back.

Yuki hugged he young boy back and the two stayed like that for a few minutes before they felt sleep winning over them.

Shuichi made room for Yuki on the bed as the blonde lay down next to the thin body of Shuichi. When the two were confortable under the blanket, they hugged again and soon fell asleep.

--

When Eiri Yuki woke up, his little lover was no longer beside him. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It read 11:26 A.M. No wonder the young boy wasn't there anymore. He was already at work. He thought about going back to sleep and getting up. He decided to go back to sleep until he remembered he had to go to some meeting at 12:30 P.M. He got up and went to the bathroom. When he got there he noticed that the large pile of dirty clothes were no longer there. 'Well, one less thing to worry about.'

After getting out of the bathroom, he got dressed and decided to eat something before leaving for the meeting, heading to the kitchen. What he saw he wasn't expecting. He had a complete breakfast waiting for him on the counter and a note beside it. He took it and read it:

_Yuki, _

_I know you must be tired from your flight and must have millions of things to do today so I made you breakfast. It will probably be cold when you get up but still, breakfast is breakfast!_

_Ah, and don't worry about the taste. It's really good. I learned how to cook while you were gone (I'll tell you about it later, if you want to). I'll be back around 7 P.M._

_Shuichi_

He read the note a couple of times and put it aside, taking a chair and eating the breakfast Shuichi had made for him. And he wasn't lying. He had somehow learned how to cook.

--

"Okay everyone! You can have an hour brake." A proud Sakano said when the music was over. The band had been working hard since 9:00 A.M. and it was already 12:30 P.M. so it was time for a break.

"You're doing a good job so you have the right to eat something." K said, pointing his gun at Shuichi.

"Well, if we're doing a good job, then why are you pointing that thing at me?" Shuichi said, arms crossed over his chest and a annoyed look on his face.

"Beacuse I want to." Was the short replay.

--

Shuichi, Hiro and Suguru headed for the cafeteria to grab something to eat while K and Sakano went to a meeting with the "Big Boss", Tohma Seguchi.

Hiro and Suguru decided to eat the full menu (they hadn't eatten anything for over three hours now and after so much practicing they were starving), while Shuichi decided to eat just an apple.

"Aren't you hungry?" asked a concerned Hiro.

"No, not really. I had a big breakfast before I came to work today." said a smiling Shuichi.

"Well, if you say so..." said Hiro, not to sure.

"Guys, I'm going to take a walk outside. I need to get some fresh air, okay?" asked a still smiling Shuichi.

"Okay buddy." said Hiro.

"Don't go to far or fall asleep somewhere. K will be furious if you get late." said Suguru, always trying to avoid a angry K.

"Don't worry Suguru, I won't. I don't feel like being shot on the head more than once a day." Shuichi replied, with that same smile on his face. "See you later!" and he left.

"Don't you think he is acting strangley lately?" asked Hiro.

"Yeah, there is definitly something wrong with him. That smile is hidding something." said Suguru, concern on his voice.

"Problems with Yuki, maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe. He has been away, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he went to New York a week ago. But I think Shuichi told me he would be back today or something."

"Well, maybe he was just missing him and now is anxious for his return."

"I hope you're right Suguru. Because if something happened between them then we'll have a very depressed Shuichi for a while.

"And that is not good at all."

--

The moment he turned his back to his friends his smile disappeared. That fake smile he would always put there nowadays, because his real one was corrently missing. He didn't know why but he just couldn't smile as much anymore. Not a real smile anyway. He exited the NG building and went to the park in front of it. He took a seat on the first bench he saw and pull out his pack of cigarettes. Looking for his lighter, he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. Some of the tension disappeared instantly.

He didn't remember when he first started smoking, but he couldn't live without the nicotine anymore. His friends didn't know. Well, they were suspicious, but since he lived with Yuki and Yuki was always smoking they didn't asked about the smelly clothes.

And he hadn't told Yuki. And he hadn't notice it either. Not that he would with that cloud of smoke he always had around him.

Yuki... He was so in love with the guy that he was sure he couldn't live without him anymore. It was like he was addicted to the guy or something. He was insulted everyday and at least once a week, Yuki would throw him out. But after a couple of hours, he would come to his senses and would look for him to say he was sorry and to bring him back. And that normaly led to some other "things" when they got home. He smiled at the memory of Yuki sexy body above him. A small smile, but a real one. It was still there after all.

After finishing his cigarette, he grabbed the sleeve of his sweater and pull it up, revealing the many cuts he had done the night before. He didn't felt guilty. He didn't even felt wrong for doing that to himself. The only times he would feel guilty about cutting was right after doing it and it was just for a few minutes. He didn't understand why people would be sad or angry when they found out that a person they knew was a self-harmer. They were histeric, saying it was a wrong thing, that they were crazy for hurting themselves. He didn't understand that. Maybe he wasn't normal...? But he didn't care. It felt good cutting his skin and seeing the blood flow and as long as felt good about it he wouldn't stop.

When he looked for a reason to do it he couldn't find one. He knew he had a depression for a long time. Not that the people around him would notice. He could hide it very well and was proud of it. But he had long periods of happiness. And even longer after meeting Yuki. But still, he couldn't help cutting himself. Whenever he was stressed about his work or had a fight with Yuki, the depression would hit him full force and he would find himself with something sharp in his hands and cutting his arms.

And still he didn't know why. If one looked into his life, one would see no reasons for that. He had a family that loved him and supported him, not many friends but good ones, the job of his life and Yuki, the only person he had ever really loved. And still, he was depressed and a self-harmer. Why?

--

The meeting had been longer than expected. His editors were demanding a new ending for his new novel. Apparently, everyone dying in the end wasn't good enough. He had take him almost two hours to convinced them he wasn't changing his story; that was the perfect ending for the story and if they didn't understand that they could all go to Hell. After all, he was the famous writer Eiri Yuki. Editorials all over Japan wanted the rights to his work and if these people didn't respect his wishes then he just needed to change editors. And that was enough for that simple-minded people change their opinions and publish the damn book.

It was 02:30 P.M. when he left the building and arrived at the parking lot where his car was parked. He got in but didn't start the engine. He just stare into space, thinking about the only thing good in his life - Shuichi. The boy hadn't seen him for a week and yet, when he arrived last night he wasn't all histerics. Weird. The pink haired boy would normally jump at him everytime they see, yet he didn't even had yelled his name like he normally did. Something was wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it.

With a new decision in mind he started the engine and left the parking lot.

--

Yuki glaced at the clock on the wall. It was already 7:15 P.M. and still no Shuichi.

'Where the hell is he? He said he would be back at seven... It's probably that goddamned manager of his, always pushing too hard on the kid. I should have a talk with him one of these days.'

At 7:30 there was still not sign of Shuichi. Yuki grabbed the phone and called at his cell. After four rings he heard a strange voice on the other side of the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Where is Shuichi?"

"He left a few minutes ago and forgot his cell. Why?" the voice of the other side replied, and Yuki recognised it as Hiro's.

"Because he's late and I was worried."

"... You were worried over Shuichi...?" asked an incredulous Hiro.

"I wouldn't I?"

"Well, because you never acted like you worried if Shuichi lived or died."

"That doesn't mean I don't care. He's my lover. Of course I worry about him!" He didn't know why was he saying all those things to Hiro but he couldn't stop himself.

"... Have you ever said that to him? Have you ever shown him you actually care about him? That you have feelings for him?" Hiro asked.

"Yes, I have!" Yuki almost shouted.

"Are you sure?"

"... Maybe not like that but I have made it clear that I worry about him and have feelings for him..." Yuki wasn't so sure anymore.

"Well, I can't said if you have or not, but if you don't, then please tell him. He needs to hear it. He may already know but if you don't tell him with all the words he won't be happy. And I know what I'm talking about, his my best friend."

"... Yeah, maybe." Yuki said, quietly.

"Okay, I have to hang up now. Think about what I said. Shuichi is very special. Don't hurt him."

"I won't. Bye."

"Bye."

Yuki hang up and kept looking at the wall in front of him. What the hell just happened? Did he just had a talk about feelings with Hiro? A person he barely knows? He didn't mean to say none of that. He just wanted to know where his lover was and ended up thinking about his feelings for the boy.

He had shown him he cared for him, right? He was always calling him brat and telling him to go away and throwing him out of his house but in the end he always went looking for him, saying he was sorry and bringing him back.

So, maybe he was a bit cold towards the boy, but he was used to that. He had accepted Yuki for who he was. He knew the reasons behind his behaviour.

Okay, so maybe he should be over his past already but he had been a cold-hearted bastard for a very long time, and a person can't just change over night. He had changed. Fuck, he had changed so much he even had announced to the world he had a male lover! And he didn't give a damn if the world accepted it or not. He was happy with Shuichi and no woman could give him that kind of happiness, no one could.

Still, it was hard for him to tell the pink hair boy he loved him. He had hinted it, but never actually said the words. And he knew the boy was dying to hear them. Maybe it was time. He had to put his fears aside. Shuichi loved him, really loved, not like Kitazawa and he wasn't going to betray him like that. Kitazawa was death, he had payed for his crime and it was time to move on and finally be happy. Happy with Shuichi.

--

**A.N.** _And that's it. I didn't want to stop there but is going somewhere and I don't know where... You see, when I was writing the prologue I never intended it to be more than a chapter, but apparently my mind had a different idea. So, here we are. I hope you liked it. It doesn't has "new" stuff, it's not really that original, but I needed to write some stuff down into paper, well, in this case computer. And Shuichi and Co. just happen to be the chosen to carry this task._

_I'll try to post the second chapter until Wednesday (13/12) since I already have some written. In case I can't, I can only post it after the New Years. _

_And once again, I want to thank the reviewers. You made me quite happy. _

_R&R! Thanks_


	3. Chapter 3

Where do I belong?

**A.N**_ Hello. Here I am with the 2nd chapter. I still don't have a plot for this. Let's see how it goes. Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or its characters. Only the story. So don't sue.

Chapter 2

Shuichi was on his way home. Because of K, he was going to be late. Well, not exactly late since he had no plans, but he had left a note to Yuki saying he would be back around seven and it was almost eight. Damn K and his stupid guns! He reached for his backpack and looked for his pack of cigarettes. He took one and looked for his lighter on his pockets. Finding it on one of his jeans' pockets he lit the little stick. 'Fuck, it feels great!' he thought, with a smile on his lips. Two minutes later he was home still smoking his cigarette and headed for the lift. Then he remembered that he was smoking and that Yuki was home. 'I can't go in smoking. He would probably me mad at him or something...'

After finishing his cigarette, he entered the lift and pushed the little botton to the fifth floor. It only took a few seconds and the door opened, revealing the small hall that led to Yuki's flat. He walked to the door and searched for the keys. 'Shit! I think I lost them! Yuki will be really mad!' Having no other choise he ringed the doorbell.

He just had to wait for ten seconds until the door opened, revealing a annoyed Yuki.

"I'm not interessed in what you're..." he started until he noticed it was Shuichi and not some sellsman. "Shuichi? Why did you ringed the doorbell?" he asked, half-annoyed, half-relieved.

"I'm sorry Yuki, I think I lost my keys... Please don't be mad at me!" He said, his head hunged and his eyes closed as he waited of the harsh words. But they never came.

"Don't worry about that. It's no big deal. And you probably forgot them at the studio along with your cell phone." Yuki said softly, showing no signs of being mad and walked inside.

Shuichi stood there, looking confused.

"Are you coming? Or are you going to stay there in the cold for the rest of the night?" Yuki asked, looking at Shuichi from his shoulder, not bodering to fully turn around.

'There's the Yuki I know! For a second I actually though he wasn't mad at all.'

"I-I'm coming!" Shuichi replied walking through the door and closing it.

Yuki was already sat on the couch, a cigarette pressed between his lips.

"Aren't you mad for me being late Yuki?" Shuichi asked as he trow his backpack to the floor and took off his tennis shoes.

"No."

"Oh... Okay." Shuichi said, hunging his head and sitting on the couch, away from Yuki.

"I'm not mad. But I was worried." Yuki said, looking at the small boy.

Shuichi went wide-eyed as he heard those words. Yuki was worried about him?_ His_ Yuki?

"So I called you. But it was your friend Hiro who answered it and we had a little talk." Yuki said, a little smile on his lips.

"Y-You and Hiro?" asked an incredulous Shuichi. What the hell was happening? First, Yuki was not mad at him for losing his keys, then he says he was worried over him and now he was saying he had a little "talk" with Hiro when they couldn't even stand five minutes in the same room.

Yuki kept that little smile on his lips. "Yes." And looked at Shuichi in the eye, smiling but with seriousness on his eyes. "And I'm glad I did. He made me realise something. Something I should have realised on my own, but sometimes I'm a little on the slow side, especially when it concerns feelings."

Now Shuichi was worried. Was Yuki saying that he realised he didn't love him and was dumping him? Or that he loved some else? Or, could it be that Yuki actually loved him? No, it wasn't it. What the hell was going on?

Yuki, sensing his lover's worries, cuped the younger boy's chin with his hand.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to dump you. How could I when I just realised the bastard I have been for treating you so badly and for not saying what I really feel?"

"Yuki..." Shuichi almost whispered.

"I'm very sorry for everything, I really am. I know I'm a cold bastard but I'm trying to change. Since I met you I'm a different person. I'm a better person. You can bring out the best in people. If you give me some more time, I can became the lover you deserve..." Yuki said, with a serious and sad look on his eyes, never breaking eyes contact with Shuichi.

"Yuki..." Shuichi said, tears forming in his eyes. "You already are the best lover I could ever wish. All I want is to be with you. I love you. I don't care about the rest." A small smile appeared on his lips and his lunched himself into Yuki's embrace, feeling the warm of his strong body.

The two stayed in each other's arms for a long time, in silence, just enjoying the closeness. Eventually, they fell asleep.

--

Yuki slowly awoke. When he opened his eyes he found himself lying on the couch with a sleeping Shuichi in his arms. He smiled. The boy looked so peaceful, so happy. He didn't want to wake him. So he just closed his eyes again, deciding to sleep some more.

The sound of the doorbell made him realise why had he awoke. Someone was intended on ruining his deserved sleep. Reluctantly, he slowly lift himself up from the couch so he would awake Shuichi and walked to the door. When he opened it he wished he had never had.

"What do you want?" he asked rather rudely.

"My, so early and already angry, Eiri-kun?" a smiling Tohma asked.

"Well, I has having a particulary nice dream when you disturbed me, Seguchi."

"Aren't you going to ask me if I want to get in?"

"Why should I?"

"Well, because I'm your brother-in-law and it's cold out here." Tohma said, with his trademark smile.

Yuki didn't said anything and walked inside, leaving the door opened. Tohma followed, closing the door behind him. He saw Shuichi sleeping on the couch, unawere that they had a guest, and kept following Yuki to the kitchen.

"So, I was part of your dream?" Tohma asked, smiling.

"What?" Yuki asked, as he made some coffee.

"You said that you were having a rather nice dream. Were you dreaming of me?"

Yuki looked at him, a disgusted look on his face.

"Of course not! I said a nice dream, not a nightmare! And now tell me, why the hell are you here?"

"Eiri-kun, that's not way to treat the people you love." Tohma said, pretending to be sad.

"Well, that's a good a thing I don't love you then. And you didn't answered my question: why the fuck are you here?" Yuki said, his arms crossed over his chest and a look of annoyance on his face the all time.

Tohma smiled again. "Well, my dear Eiri-kun, I came to tell you that your father wants to see you."

Yuki looked at him for a while and that turned his back on him, watching the coffee machine.

"So what?" he finally said.

"He wants to see you today."

He turned around again, looking at Tohma.

"You should know by now that I'm not going."

Tohma approched him, still smiling. "I think you will like what he as to say to you."

"I'm not interessed in what that old man has to say."

"I think you are. At least, give him the chance to say it. How bad could it be?"

"No."

"Eiri-kun..." Tohma said in a strange motherly tone.

"No."

"Did I mentioned that he wants to see Shindou-san too?" he smiled.

Yuki looked at him with wide-eyes. "Wha-what?!"

"Yes, he wants to see both of you."

"I got to be kidding me!"

"I'm only the messenger."

He turned his back on him again, pouring some hot coffee to a mug and taking a sip.

"So, are you going?"

"..."

"Eiri-kun..."

"Alrigth, I'll go."

"I knew you would make the right decision. I have to go now. I'll see you soon."

"..."

"Eiri-kun... Ah, and don't forget to take Shindou-san with you!"

"Goodbye Seguchi." Yuki said, annoyed.

"Goodbye Eiri-kun." And he left.

Yuki took another sip from his mug and walked to the living room. Shuichi was still asleep on the couch. Why the hell did his father wanted to see him? And Shuichi? He could understand why his father wanted to see him. After all he was his oldest son. But why Shuichi? He had only met him once and the boy hadn't left a very good impression. Then why? He couldn't figure it out.

Suddenly he heard Shuichi's voice. Looking at him, he could see the pink haired boy was still asleep and was talking while sleeping.

"No... don't do that... please, no... I did nothing wrong... why... please, it hurts... NOOOO!!"

He was having a nightmare. And a very mad one. Yuki reached for his shoulders and shaked him a little bit, trying to awake him.

"Shuichi. Shuichi, wake up."

Shuichi awoke, a scared look on his face and started struggling against Yuki's grasp. "No, get away from me! Please don't hurt me!"

"Shuichi, it's me, Yuki. You were having a nightmare. It's alright, no one's going to hurt you." he said, trying to calm his little lover.

Shuichi stopped and looked at Yuki. When he recognised his lover, he lunched himself to Yuki's neck, holding him as strongly as he could, tears running freely down his face.

Yuki hugged him just as strongly, whispering into his ear.

"It's okay. It was just a bad dream. Don't worry about it, no one's going to hurt you, especially if I'm around. Don't cry, I'm here. Everything's okay love."

Shuichi kept crying for a few minutes. When he stopped, he looked into Yuki's eyes. "I'm sorry Yuki."

"Don't be. You did nothing wrong. It was just a bad dream. Do you want to talk about it?"

"... No, that's okay. Like you said, it was just a bad dream, it doesn't matter." he cleaned his eyes onto his sleeve and let go of Yuki. He stood up and walked to their bedroom.

"Where are you going?" asked Yuki.

"To take a bath." was the short answer.

--

When he entered the bathroom, he closed and door and leaned against it. It wasn't okay. And it wasn't just a nightmare. It was a memory. A memory for something he shouldn't even remember anymore. He was over it. Then, why had he nightmares of what happened so often? Yuki had never noticed before. The guy slept like a rock. And he Shuichi was glad he didn't. He didn't want to talk about that. He didn't want to remember.

He reached for the drawer and took a razor blade, cutting his arm with it. A line of red blood flowed from the new cut to the bathroom floor. A sigh of relieve left his lips. But it wasn't enough. A new cut. Then another, and another. It felt good.

He stopped when he remembered Yuki was just outside. He cleaned the razor blade, took some toilet paper to clean the floor and turned on the water for his shower. He undressed and entered the shower, feeling the hot water on his back and cuts.

--

Half an hour later, Shuichi got out of the bathroom, feeling much better. He went to the closet and took some cleaned clothes. After getting dressed, he got out and went to the kitchen where Yuki was wating with breakfast.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, much better, thanks." He answered smiling.

"I made us breakfast. We're going to need it."

Shuichi sat and looked at Yuki, curiosity in his eyes.

"Why?"

"Well, while you were asleep, Seguchi was here."

"What did he wanted?"

"He was delivering a message from my father."

"Your father?" Shuichi's eyes wided. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah. Apparently he wants me to go home today."

"Why?"

"I have no idea. But coming from that man, nothing good, I'm sure."

"Are you going?"

"... Yeah."

"You don't sound too sure..."

"Well, he wants you to come too..."

"..."

"Shuichi...?" Yuki asked, when Shuichi stopped breathing.

Shuichi was speachless. Yuki's father wanted to see him? No, it couldn't be.

"Shuichi...?" Yuki asked again, kneeling down next to his lover and taking his hands. "Are you okay?"

"... Are you serious? Your father wants to see me?"

"Yeah."

"But... why? I mean, after that little "incident" I thought he wouldn't want to see me as longed I lived."

"I know. But who knows what that old man thinks? Look, if you don't to go, we are not going."

"... No. We're going. After all, he's your father and wants to see you. he must have something important to tell you."

Yuki looked at him in the eye for a few seconds and then smiled.

"Okay."

--

The ride to Kyoto was short, too short in Yuki's opinion. Most of the time Shuichi sang to the songs on the radio, his beautiful voice calming him.

He was nervous. Whenever he went home, something bad happened. Whenever he met his father, a fight would always take place. And now that old guy wanted him and Shuichi there. Why?

When they arrived, Mika was outside, waiting from them.

"Hello little brother. Hello Shuichi-kun. How was your ride here?"

"Hello Mika-san!" a happy Shuichi said.

"Hi." was Yuki's reply.

"Yuki! Be nice to your sister!" Shuichi said, a reproving look on his face.

"Fine! Hello big sister. How are you?" Yuki said in a mocking tone.

"I see you're rude as always, Eiri." Mika said, sounding hurt by Yuki's tone.

He felt guilty. "Alright, I'm sorry Mika."

"That's better. Well, come on, let's get inside. Outside it's getting colder." And the two of them followed her into the house.

--

**A.N.** _And that's it. I stopped it there because I honestly don't know why Yuki's father called for him and Shuichi. It just came from nowhere. And know I'm kind of stuck. I just have to think of something._

_I'm probably not going to post anything before the New Years so, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!_

_R&R! Thanks_


	4. Chapter 4

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N. **_Hello. Here I am once again, with the 3rd chapter. I want to thank the people who reviewed. It means a lot to me. _

_Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters. They belong to the great Murakami-sensei. So, don't sue. I have no money.

Chapter 3

**Dream**

A boy, no older than 8 was running. After him, a little girl.

"Shu-chan, wait for me!" the girl screamed.

"Well, catch me!" the boy said, laughing.

"Not fair! You run faster than me!"

"Hahaha" The boy just kept on running, laughing all the way.

He then stopped and looked at the building in front of him. 'Wow, what a big place!' The little girl finally catch on her older brother.

"Is this the temple?" she asked.

"I guess. It looks like it..." the boy said. "Do you want to get in?" he asked his little sister.

"No! It looks scary! I'll wait for mom and dad." the girl said with a scared look on her face.

"Well, I'm going in." The boy gave a step forward.

"Shu-chan, no!" the girl said, grabbing his sleeve.

"Don't worry Maiko-chan. I'll just take a peak." he said, grinning.

The girl let go of his sleeve. "Ok..."

"Go find mom and dad so you won't be alone."

"Ok, Shu-chan." And she left, running all the way.

The boy looked at the temple, took a deep breath and entered the scary-looking temple.

Inside, there was only a faint light ilumnating the hallway. 'This looks kinda scary... I should have stayed outside... Oh, well, since I'm already here, let's just take a peak.' The young boy though.

He suddenly heard a noise nearby.

"Is someone there?" He asked outloud.

No answer.

"Hello...?" He asked again, while walking to the place the noise came from. He reached for an almost hidden door and opened it. "Hello...?" He asked once more, taking a look inside.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm and screamed.

"Don't be afraid boy. I'm not going to hurt you." a male voice said.

Shuichi looked to the person grabbing his arm and saw it was a tall man, with some weird clothes.

"What are you doing here boy? Where are your parents?"

"I... I just wanted to take a peak, sir... My parents aren't here. They're at the park with my little sister..."

"So, you came here all by yourself?"

"Ye-yeah. I-I'm sorry sir, I'll just leave..." And he turned around but the man grabbed his arm again, this time harder.

"You don't have to go boy. Come, I'll show you the rest of the temple." And he entered the room, taking the young boy by the arm.

"No... You don't have-"

The man didn't let him finish his sentence.

"Didn't you want to see the temple boy? So I'm showing you the temple."

They arrived to a new door and the man opened it. He entered taking Shuichi with him and closed the door, locking it.

It was still dark, so Shuichi couldn't really see the man's face and it scared him even more. Where was this man taking him? Suddenly, the man through him to the floor.

"Sir...?"

Then, another door opened, someone entered the room and closed the door again, locking it too.

"So, who do we have here?" A new male voice said.

Shuichi was now really scared. The sound of this man's voice was cold and cruel. He had a bad feeling.

"Well, it seems that our little friend here wanted to see the temple." the first man said.

"Oh, he did, didn't he? Well, I guess we can show him a "special" part of it, don't you think?" The second man said, smiling evilly and reaching for Shuichi.

"Oh, I guess we can..." The first man said, doing the same.

---

A little time later, a scream could be heard inside the old building. A scream filled with pain. Another scream. Then another. And another. And then a sob. And more screams. And an evil voice:

"Shut up boy! You scream too much!"

**End Dream**

Shuichi woke up suddenly. He was breathing heavilly and sweat was running down his face. Beside him, Yuki slept, ignoring his lover distress. He got out of the futon, reached for his things and went to the bathroom.

There he turned the tap on and splashed his face with cold water. He looked into the mirror in front of him and watched his reflection. He was paler than usual and his eyes didn't had their shine. 'I look patetic.' he thought.

He turned the tap off and looked to the object he had taken from his bag.That razor had been constantly used but it still shined. He grabbed it and sat on the floor. He looked to his razor once again, lost in its shine. It was like he had fell into a trance. He then smile, a weird smile, a mad smile and took the razor to his forearm feeling has the cold blade cut his skin, his flesh. He did it again. And again. And again... The blood flowing to the floor. A twisted smile on his lips. A small pain. More cuts. More blood. A knock on the door.

"Brat, are you there?"

Yuki's voice was full of concern.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'll be out in a minute." Shuichi voice was low, but show no signs of pain.

"Okay."

Shuichi got up from the cold floor and reached for the toilet paper to clean the floor. He grabbed some more and started cleaning his arm. He turned the tap on and put his arm under the cold water to clean his fresh wounds but blood kept coming. 'Shit.' he thought. He grabbed some more paper and put some pression to his arm to stop the bleedind. It finally stopped and he put it under the cold water again.

After making sure everything was in place, he came out of the bathroom. Yuki was sitting on the futon, a cigarette on his lips.

"What took you so long?"

"I felt asleep..." Was Shuichi shy reply.

Yuki looked at him. "... You... felt _asleep_? In the _bathroom_?"

"Well, I was tired..."

They looked at each other for a while, until Yuki broke the silence.

"Okay, if you say so... Now, come here brat."

Shuichi walked to Yuki and sat on the futon next to him. Yuki approched him and kissed him passionately. Shuichi leaned into the kiss, enjoying the closeness. After a few minutes they broke apart and Yuki embraced Shuichi.

"Let's get back to sleep, ok?"

"Ok." Shuichi replied.

They lied down and fell asleep in each other's arms.

--

The next morning, Shuichi and Yuki were awake by a loud knock on the door.

"Eiri! Shuichi! Wake up!" Mika said, louder than necessary.

"Alright, alright! We're up! Stop that noise!" Yuki said annoyed.

"Breakfast is in ten minutes. I want you both there on time. Got that?"

"Yeah, yeah. We'll be there." Yuki said, still annoyed.

They got up, got dressed and were on the dining room ten minutes later. Mika was already there with her husband.

"Very good. You made it." Mika said, looking at her brother.

"Huh." was Yuki's reply.

"Good morning Eiri-kun, Shindoh-san. How was your night?" Tohma asked, smiling.

"Good morning Seguchi-san. It was fine." Shuichi replied, smiling.

"Huh."

"Yuki! Be nice to Seguchi-san!" Shuichi said and stared at Yuki with a serious face.

Yuki stared back and after a while he finally said in an annoyed tone, "Fine! Good morning Seguchi."

"That's better." Shuichi said, smiling.

Tohma and Mika looked at each other and then at the pair in front of them. Eiri was changing. And apparently the reason for this change was a pink-haired boy.

"Good morning everyone!" a happy Tatsuha said as he entered the dinnig room.

"Good morning." They all said.

Right after him was their father.

"Good morning father." Mika and Tatsuha said.

"Good morning Uesugi-sama." Tohma said.

"Go-good morning, sir!" Shuichi said nervously and bowed down in respect.

Yuki just waved his hand.

The older man looked at them all.

"Good morning." he said, and looked at Shuichi but said nothing more. He sat down and rest followed him.

--

After breakfast, they all went to the living room.

"Well father, what was so important?" Yuki asked, litting up a cigarette.

"Eiri!" Mika said.

"What? I just want to know why am I here."

"He's right Mika, he has the right to know." their father said. "Well Eiri, I have a propositon to make."

"I'm all ears." was Yuki's short reply.

"I want you to come home."

"... What?"

"I want you to live here again. I'll allow you to write your books if you want to, but I want you here, working with Tatsuha and I on the temple."

"..."

"Eiri?"

"Why would I do that? I've said many times before that I don't want to have anything to do with this place." Yuki said, not even looking at his father.

"Yuki!" Shuchi said.

"What?" he snapped.

Shuichi flinched but kept his eyes on his lover.

"You shouldn't talk to your father like that." he said in a low voice.

"Look brat, I hate this place and I'm not coming back after finally getting free, got that?" Yuki said, anger in his voice.

Shuichi lowered his head and mumbled an "I'm sorry..."

Yuki felt immediately bad for snapping at the pink-haired boy like that but he was still angry.

"Eiri, I haven't finished my propostion yet. I want you to come back but you can bring your... lover... with you. Since you insist on living with him, I give you my permition."

Yuki looked at him with angry eyes.

"_You give your permition_? Since when do I need _your permition_ to do whatever I want? Shuichi and I are living together and it'll stay that way, whether you give your permition or not. I couldn't care less."

After that, Yuki left the room. Shuichi looked at all the presents, not quite knowing what to do. Then, he bowed and left the room after Yuki.

--

"Yuki! Yuki, where are you?" the pink-haired boy asked out loud.

"In here brat." came the reply.

Shuichi followed his lover's voice and found him sitting in front of a lake, smoking a cigarette. He approched him and stayed there.

"You can sit down, you know?"

Shuichi did as he was told.

"Are you still mad?"

"Yes."

"... I'm sorry..." Shuichi mumbled.

Yuki looked at him.

"I'm mad, but not at you. I'm mad at my father."

"Why do you hate this place Yuki?"

"... I told you. My father made me hate all things related to Japanese. Now he expects me to just come back as nothing? I'm sorry, but I can't."

They stayed in silence for a while, just looking into the lake.

Suddenly, Yuki put his arms around the small boy and whispered into his ear.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. I didn't mean it. I was angry and I wasn't thinking properly."

"Don't worry about that. I don't care. As long you're not angry at me, I'm fine." Shuichi said smiling and kissed Yuki. He responded, deepening the kiss.

"Let's go home." Yuki said when they broke apart.

"Okay."

--

**A.N. **_And it's finished. I think I finally have a plot. And I want to thank Missy for that. You gave me an idea for my plot. And once again, thank you guys for reviewing my story. _

_R&R! Thanks_


	5. Chapter 5

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello there. Here I am with a new chapter._

_When I wrote the prologue, I had no intentions of write more. Now, I think this will be a long one. I have new ideas forming on my brain every minute. Even when I'm sleeping! Well, let's just see where this is going._

_And once again, thanks for your reviews!_

_Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. So, please, do not sue me.

Chapter 4

Shuichi was walking through the garden. They hadn't go home after all and now he had nothing to do, since Yuki was busy.

Flashback

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. I didn't mean it. I was angry and I wasn't thinking properly."

"Don't worry about that. I don't care. As long you're not angry at me, I'm fine." Shuichi said smiling and kissed Yuki. He responded, deepening the kiss.

"Let's go home." Yuki said when they broke apart.

"Okay."

The two got up and headed for the house, so they could get their things and leave. But as soon as they entered the house, Mika came running.

"Finally! Where the hell were you? I've been looking everywhere!" she said in an angry tone.

"Apparently you haven't look everywhere, because if you did, you had found us earlier." said Yuki, in a smart-ass tone.

"I don't have the time or the patience for your smart-ass comments Eiri. Father isn't feeling very well since you left earlier. So, you have to help Tatsuha in the temple."

"What? No way!"

"Eiri!"

"Is that some kind of trick to get me working in the temple?"

"Of course not! Who do you think I am? I don't play jokes with people's health, especially my family's!" Mika said, sounding hurt.

The two glared at each other for a few minutes. Shuichi was by Yuki's side, not quite knowing what to do. He didn't like it when Yuki got angry at his family but what could he do? This was between Yuki and them. If he tryied to intrude, Yuki would probably be mad at him. And Shuichi didn't want that. So, he just stay there, looking from Yuki to Mika.

"Alright, you win. I'll help Tatsuha. But as soon as the old man gets better, I'm out of here, got that?" Yuki said, croosing his arms over his chest and closing his eyes.

Mika smiled. "Fine by me. As long you help Tatsuha so he won't screw things up, I don't care. Now go, Tatsuha is waiting for you."

Yuki began walking towards is room to get changed into his monk clothes when he felt something grab his sleeve. Not something, someone.

"Yuki... What am I supposed to do now? Since you will be busy..." asked Shuichi in a low voice.

Yuki turned around so he was facing him. "I don't know. Go sight-seeing or something. I'm sure you'll think of something." Then he kissed Shuichi full on the lips, not caring that his sister was there watching the two.

"See you later." He finally said and walked away.

"Bye." Shuichi said, saddness in his voice. "I love you!" he screamed. Yuki just waved a hand, not bothering to turn around.

"So Shuichi-kun, what are you going to do?" Mika asked when the two were alone.

"Well, maybe I could have a look around...?" he more of asked than said.

"Sure. Just make yourself at home. After all, your almost family." she said, smiling at the embarrassment in Shuichi's face.

"See you around, Mika-san!" he waved goodbye and went outside.

End Flashback

And here he was. In a place unknown to him, totally alone and with nothing to do.

He looked around. The place was huge. Not only the temple itself but the gardens around it as well. It was really beautiful. 'How can Yuki hate this place? It's so beautiful and peaceful.' Shuichi thought. 'But then again, what he really hates is his father...' and his smile saddened. He didn't like that Yuki had such a bad relationship with his family. Althought he couldn't blame Yuki for that. And there was nothing he could do to improve this situation. All he could do was being there for Yuki, to support him.

Looking around, he had an idea.

--

Shuichi was sitting in front of the lake he had found Yuki earlier, a cigarette between his lips and a note book and a pencil on his hands. He had decided to write some new songs, not actually decided, more like felt the need to write. This environment was inspiring him.

An hour and many cigarettes later, he had almost three new songs written. The guys would like to hear this. They had to a new album to release in a few weeks and it still wasn't finished. But with these new songs it would be ready on time.

Putting the note book aside and litting a new cigarette, Shuichi looked into the lake. It was quite big for being in a garden, but then again, the all garden was actually very large. He then noticed an old building on the other side, almost hidden by the large trees.

A chill run down his spine. There was somethng about that old place that didn't seem right, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He just knew something was wrong. He grabbed his things and went inside.

--

That same weird feeling was still there when Shuichi entered the house and walked to Yuki's room. Suddenly, he heard someone calling and without thinking he went in the direction of the voice.

"Hello...?" he said, when he got to a closed door. "Is someone there...?"

"Who's there? Tatsuha?" someone said behind the door.

"No. It's Shuichi, Shuichi Shindou, sir."

"... Come in"

Shuichi did as he was told and entered the room. He left the door ajar and stayed close to the wall.

"How are you feeling sir? Mika-san said you weren't feeling alright..." Shuichi said, shyness in his voice.

Yuki's father looked intently at Shuichi before answering.

"I'm feeling better now. But I think I'll have to stay in bed for a few more days. That's what I get for having a son like Eiri."

"A son like Eiri? What do you mean, sir?"

"A rebel. A murderer. A gay."

Shuichi felt extremely angry. How could this man be so cold towards his son? How dare he say such things?

"Yuki is a great person, one of the best I know! Yeah, he's kind of rebel, but that's not exactly his fault. You made him hate his own home and family and that ended up in him killing someone. And that isn't his fault either! That guy hurt him! Everyone would do the same in his situation! You can't blame him for that!"

"What about him being gay? No one made him be one."

"He's not gay! He likes women, not men!"

"So you're saying he doesn't like you, is that it?"

"... I didn't say that..." Shuichi said, feeling extremely embarrassed.

"You said he likes women, not men. And as far as I know, you're a man." Yuki's father said, smiling a somewhat evil smile.

"... Yeah, I am. So, he likes both women and men. It doesn't make him a bad person. It's not the person you love that makes you, but the way you love that person."

He stopped for a moment and hung his head, his pink hair covering his eyes.

"I love Yuki from the first moment I saw him. I don't why I feel this way, I just do. It's like a force that pulls me towards him and I know that without him, I would die. In fact, if it wasn't for him, I would probably be dead right now. I need him to live, more than any other thing. And I don't care if he's a man or a woman. I love him and that's all that matter."

His voice was now a whisper.

"I don't know if he loves me or not. I don't know if I'm just a boy toy or if I'm just one more of his many lovers. I don't know... All I know is that I need him. And as long as he's with me, I'm the happiest person on earth. And I don't care that no one understands this feeling."

When he stopped, a tear was running down his face, his head still hunged and his eyes hidden behind his face.

Yuki's father looked at the pink-haired boy with regret. He shouldn't have talked to the boy like that. He was just testing him, he wanted to know if his feelings were real, if this boy really loved his son or if he was just after his money. Apparently, they were real.

"Well, I'm sorry. I was just messing with you."

Shuichi looked at the man before him. He was just messing with him? Why?

"I don't understand, sir."

"Well, I was testing you. I wanted to know if your feelings were real or if you were just after my son's money."

"What? I don't care about his money! I felt in love with him even before I knew he was rich! And I do have money, you know? I earn lots of money with my music! I don't need Yuki's money!" Shuichi said, indignantly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you boy."

Shuichi froze.

"Wha-what did you said?" he asked, fear in his voice.

"I said I was sorry and that I didn't meant to offend you boy."

His face paled.

"Are you feeling alright boy?" Yuki's father asked and approched the pink-haired boy.

Shuichi stepped back, fear evident in his face.

"Boy?"

"Sta-stay a-away from m-me."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Do-don't co-come any closer-er..."

Yuki's father kept walking and grabbed his arm. But he wasn't excepting the reaction that proveked on the small boy.

"AAAHHH, LET ME GOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" Shuichi screamed. "DON'T HURT ME! LET ME GO! AHHH, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"What's going on?"

Hearing the loud screams, Mika came running. The old monk had released Shuichi, who was now crying on the floor.

Mika approched the boy.

"Shuichi, what's wrong?"

He kept crying, not looking at Mika or even acknowledging her presence there.

"Shuichi? Look at me." and she touched his arm.

"NOOO! LET GO OF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Mika was shocked. What was going on in here? Why was Shuichi acting like this?

"Father, can you go get Eiri? I'll stay here with Shuichi."

"Alright Mika. I'll be right back." and he left.

Shuichi kept crying, curled in a ball on the floor. Mika didn't dare to touch him again. There was definitely something very wrong with this boy. She had never seen him acting like this. He was always very loud and he cryied at the stupidest things, but this was different. He was acting as if was in danger, a real danger. But what was he afraid of?

"Shuichi?"

Yuki entered the room, Tatsuha and their father right behind him. He looked at Shuichi, who was still curled on the floor and approched him.

"Shuichi? What happened?" he asked, concerned in his voice.

Slowly, Shuichi lifted his head towards Yuki.

"Yu... ki..."

Yuki's heart skipped a beat. Shuichi looked terrified. Tears were still falling freely down his face.

"Shuichi, what happened, talk to me."

"Yuki..." he whispered and clung to Yuki like his life depended of it.

Yuki hold the small boy in his arms and finally lifted him, bridal style. Shuichi put his arms around Yuki's neck and hid his face on his shoulder.

Yuki carried him to his room and sat on their futon, Shuichi never letting go and crying all the time. He didn't know what to do. He felt powerless. Shuichi looked like a small child, crying in his arms, clinging on him for dear life, completely terrified of some invisible danger. So he just stayed there, holding the pink-haired boy in his arms and whispering smooth words into his ear.

"Shh, it's alrigh, I'm here. No one is going to hurt you. I'm here. You're safe. Don't cry. Please love, don't cry. I'm here. I won't let anyone hurt you. I promise. Don't worry. I won't leave you. I'm here."

He kept say those words over and over. Shuichi needed to hear them. He needed to know that he was safe.

After a while, the pink-haired boy felt asleep in Yuki's arms.

'Shuichi, what the hell happened to you...?'

--

**A.N.** _And that's it. Hope you like it. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to ask/tell me. It may take a few days to aswer them but I'll do it. _

_'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


	6. Chapter 6

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hey there. I'm very sorry for the long waiting. But some things happened and I couldn't update sooner. I'm very sorry. I hope you are all still there._

_And I want to thank my reviwers. You guys are what is keeping me writing. Thank you and enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or its characters. Only this story.

Chapter 5

It was night when Shuichi finally awoke from his troubled sleep. He looked around and found himself in Yuki's room. He tried to get up but something was keeping him from doing so. He watched closely and saw that Yuki's arms were wrapped securely around him, protecting him. He smiled, a small and sad smile. He unwrapped himself, making sure not to wake Yuki and went into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind him.

He slid down the wall and just stayed there, looking ahead with shadowy eyes. 'What the fuck is happening to me? Am I loosing my mind?' He had a vague idea he had freaked out earlier but he couldn't actually remember why. He remember being with Yuki's father, talking about his feeling with the old monk and then his mind becomes a blur. He buried his head on his knees and put his arms around them. 'I'm losing it. Why can't I remember? And why do I have this panic sensation? Something isn't right...'

He felt the urge to cry but couldn't. He needed release and his body wasn't giving it to him. He remember he still had his blade in his pocket. He took it and looked at it for a few moments before rolling up his sleeve and taking the cold metal to his skin. Again and again. He made little cuts here and there. The blood that came took away part of his anxiety. He stopped cutting and looked at the blood. It was like he was hipnotized by that substance. And the more he looked at it, the more he needed to see it.

He stayed there, watching as his own blood flowed from his cuts into the floor. When it stopped, he got up and took some toilet paper to clean the floor and then turned the tap on to wash the blood on his arms.

Before exiting the bathroom, the pink-haired boy looked at his reflection but the moment he saw his image on the mirror he turned his face away. He couldn't. It was too painful to see his face right now. So he just left, re-entering the bedroom.

Yuki was still asleep. 'He must be tired from the work on the temple.' So Shuichi went outside. He needed a cigarette.

--

When Yuki awoke, he missed the pink-haired boy's presence. He got up and went into to the bathroom but the small boy wasn't there. Yuki began to worry. 'Where the hell is he? Maybe he went outside...?' And with that in mind he left the bedroom. When he got outside, he smelled something very familiar, the smoke of a cigarette. 'Mika or Tatsuha must be here.' He followed the smoke and found someone he wasn't expecting at all.

"Shuichi?!"

Shuichi jumped at the sound. It had been very quiet and suddenly someone was calling his name right next to him, not someone, Yuki. And now he knew.

"Yu-Yuki, you're up!" he said, feeling really nervous.

"You smoke? Since when?"

"... Well, I smoke for a awhile now. I can't remember exactly when I started... Are you mad at me?" he asked in a low voice, his head hunged.

Yuki approched him and touched the small boy's cheek with his soft hand.

"I little. You shouldn't smoke, it may be bad for your voice, not to mention your helth. Why didn't you tell me? Why hide it?"

"I don't care. I like to smoke. No, it's more than that. I need to smoke. I think I'm addicted by now, just like you. And I didn't tell because I was afraid you would be mad at me. And I don't like when you're mad at me."

The sadness in Shuichi's voice and eyes scared Yuki. He didn't like this sadness, it wasn't part of the pink-haired boy's nature. Something was definitely not alright.

"What happened earlier?"

"... I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I can't remember... All I remember is talking to your father and then my mind becames a blur."

Yuki looked at Shuichi for a few seconds. He had freaked out while talking to someone and couldn't even remember why? There was something very wrong with his lover.

After a while, Shuichi took another cigarette from his pack and handed the pack to Yuki.

"Want one?"

Yuki looked at him and then at the pack and took it.

"Thanks."

And they stayed there, in silence, smoking their cigarettes, thinking about the problems they had in hands.

--

The next day, Yuki insisted on going home, while Shuichi insisted that he was fine and that Yuki had to help Tatsuha on the temple.

"We're going home and that's final!" yelled Yuki.

"No! You promised to help while your father was sick!" yelled Shuichi.

"No way! Yesterday something happened to you and I know that you're not okay."

"I'm fine, I really am. Look, I don't know what happened to me but it's not like it's going to happen again. It's probably just stress."

"Don't give me that crap. You're not fine! You can't imagine how I felt when I saw you curled on the floor, crying and screaming, totally insane. You have no idea how it was to see you like that and not being able to help you. I felt totally useless."

He approched Shuichi, his voice low and soft.

"I don't want to see you like that again." and he kissed Shuichi.

Shuichi kissed back, hugging Yuki in need of the warmth his body provided.

"Okay. Let's go home, if that's what you want." Shuichi finally said.

"Yes, that's what I want. We're leaving right now."

"Okay."

--

"You can't leave! Tatsuha needs your help at the temple!" Yuki's father yelled.

"Help him yourself. You seem recovered." Yuki responded, his bag on one hand, Shuichi by the other.

"You'll make your father work in his condition?" Yuki's father said, trying to make his son guilty for leaving.

"Like I said, you seem recovered. If you don't want to work, then don't. I couldn't care less. Shuichi needs my attention right now. He's not okay and I need to understand what's happening to him. And I'm not going to find out by staying here, working all day on the temple while he's here alone and having attacks."

"So this toy is more important than your own father?"

"He's not a toy. He's my lover. And yes, he's more important than you!" Yuki said furious.

And the two started a glare contest.

Shuichi stood my Yuki's side. He couldn't let Yuki fight with his father. Not because of him.

"Yuki... maybe you should stay. After all, this is your family and they need you. I'm okay. I really am. Your family is more important than-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence brat. Yes, this is my family. But you're my lover. I didn't choose them, but I chose you. And right now you need me more than they do. So, don't you fucking dare to say they're more important than you!" Yuki snapped at Shuichi.

Shuichi hunged his head and mumbled an "I'm sorry...", his usual routine whenever Yuki snapped at him.

"We're going now." Yuki anounced and left, with Shuichi trailing right behind him.

"Eiri!" his father yelled after them.

--

Yuki and Shuichi finally got home after a long, tiring journey. Yuki went to his room first, to leave his bag and then went the kitchen to take a beer. Shuichi just sat on the couch scratching his arms, his backpack on the floor.

Yuki emerged from the kitchen and watched the boy closely. He had notice that Shuichi had been scratching his arms almost the all the way home. And he was still doing it.

"Will you stop that? You'll hurt yourself."

"What?"

"Scratching your arms. You did it the all journey and your still doing it."

"... I'm sorry."

"And stop apologising. You did nothing wrong."

"... Okay."

"I'm going to sleep. Are you coming?" Yuki asked.

"I'm not that sleepy. I'll just watch some television."

"... Do as you want." Yuki said, the indiference in his voice hurting Shuichi.

'His back at his normal self. Or, at least, his 'drinking self'. Why does he always act like that when he drinks?' he thought, looking saddly at the retreating form of his lover.

He sat on the couch and curled into a ball. He needed some time alone to think about the events yesterday. He still couldn't remember what had happened. He knew he had freaked out and he remembered the panic he felt. But he couldn't the reason for this panic attack.

'Yuki told me that I was screaming, that apparently I was afraid someone would hurt me, although I was in no danger at all. Argh, this is so fucking frustating! What the hell happened to me?!'

Shuichi didn't know what to do. 'What if this happen again during a concert, or a tv show or something? Will people think I'm crazy or something?' Now he was afraid. He couldn't let that happen. 'But than again, they would probably be right. Maybe I am crazy...'

--

"Hey Shuichi! How was your weekend?"

"Hey Hiro! It was okay, I guess." Shuichi said, smiling his fake smile.

"Did Yuki's old man give you guys a lecture or something about your "sinful relationship"?" Hiro said, laughing.

"No. Actually, he seems to approve on us. Well, at least I think so..."

"Really?! That's great man!"

"I guess so..."

"You don't sound convinced..."

Shuichi grinned.

"Of course it's great! Now I don't have to fight with his family for him."

Hiro looked at his best friend's change of actitude suspiciously but said nothing.

"So, are we going to work on a new song? We still need at least two more songs for the album."

"No worries! I have almost three new lyrics done. I just have to finish the last one and you and Suguru could start working on the music for the other two. What do you think?"

"That's great!"

"Good morning. What's great?" asked Suguru, entering Bad Luck's room at NG.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"Shuichi have already two lyrics done, so we can start working on the music for them, while he'll finish the third one."

"Great! Maybe we'll be on time for the album's release."

"I'm hoping so." said a smiling Hiro.

"Here you have them. I'll join you guys later when I finish this, okay?"

"Okay." the other two said, and left for the rehearsal studio.

Shuichi grabbed his backpack and sat on the table. After five minutes looking at the unfinished lyrics, he was sure he couldn't finish it. He was no longer inspired. But he had to do it. His friends were counting on him.

Searching in his backpack, he took his pack of cigarettes and lit one up. He couldn't forget about his panic attack. And the fear that it could happen again arised. He had decided not to tell anyone about this. He didn't want people to think he was going crazy.

'I have to forget what happened. I have to focus on my music. And Yuki. I have to focus on him. He's my inspiration.' And he did just that. He focused on his lover, on their happy moments together. And he began to write.

--

A while later, Shuichi had finished the unfinished lyrics and had write one more. 'I bet Hiro and Suguru will be really happy!' He got up and went to the rehearsal studio.

When he entered the studio, a soft music could be heard.

"Shuichi, what do you think?" Hiro asked as soon as he saw his best friend.

"I think it's okay."

"Your voice says otherwise." said Suguru.

"Well, the music his good, but... I don't know... I don't think it goes that well with the lyrics."

"And what do you think would 'go well with the lyrics'?" Suguru asked, annoyed.

"Well... I was thinking about something more... hard."

"Hard?" asked Hiro, not understanding what the pink-haired boy wanted.

"Yeah, you know, more rock, less pop."

"... That's not exactly our thing Shuichi."

"I know, I know, but I think it's time to change, don't you think Hiro?"

"And will K and Sakano say about that?"

"K will say that's a very good idea!"

"K!"

While they were talking, K and Sakano had entered the studio.

"You really think it's a good idea K?" Shuichi asked.

"Of course! I think the fans will love it!"

"And what do you think Sakano?" asked Suguru, still not convinced about this change.

"Well, I think K is right."

Realising he was not going to win this time, Suguru gave up.

"Alright, if you all agree, so do I."

"Play time is over. Go back to work!" a serious K said, pointing his gun at the three Bad Luck members.

--

**A.N.** _And that's all for now. I hope I can update soon. And I apologise for this chapter. It's not that good. It seems I'm going around in circles and going nowhere. I feel like I wrote nothing at all. _

_Well, give me your opinion._

'_Till next time!._

_R&R! Thanks_


	7. Chapter 7

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello again. Sixth chapter is up. I'm sorry for the long wait. But I really couldn't update any sooner. Thank you guys for your reviews. You really make my day. And I also want to thank those who are reading this even if you're not reviewing. I don't know if you're liking it or not but thanks anyway. Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. The song "Rain" belongs to Breaking Benjamin.

Chapter 6

It was already night when Shuichi went home. They had worked all day on the new songs. In his opinion, they were getting great, although Suguru was still a little reluctant about the new style.

When the pink-haired boy arrived home, all lights were out. 'Yuki must have gone out.' he thought. But just to be sure, he checked the kitchen, Yuki's studio and then the bedroom. 'I was right. He's out.' He went into the bathroom and run the shower. He was tired and was he need of a warm shower. He re-entered the bedroom to get a pair of clean boxers, a t-shirt and some towels and went into the bathroom again. He undressed and entered the shower. The hot water felt good on his back and made his worried disappear for the moment.

--

After a while, Shuichi got out of the shower, dried himself and got dressed. He left the bathroom and decided to go to bed.

He awoke some time later, to the sound of the bedroom door closing. The pink-haired boy lifted his head and saw his lover. His heart skipped a beat. 'Shit! His drunk!' He try to pretend he was asleep but to no avail.

"I know you're awake kid. Don't you dare try to trick me." Yuki said in a drunken voice.

"Yu-yuki, I wasn't trying to tri-"

"Shut up you little shit." He approached to the small boy and grabbed him by his shirt.

"You talk too much, you know that? You make my head hurt."

"I-I'm so-sorry..."

"SHUT UP!" the drunken blonde yelled and then kissed his lover roughly on the lips.

"Yu... ki... no... I-I don't... want... that..." Shuichi mumbled in between kisses.

Yuki stopped and pushed him to the bed violently.

"You'd do as I want you piece of shit!"

He took his shirt and then began to undress his small lover.

"No Yuki, you're drunk. I don't want this right now." Shuichi pleaded.

The next thing he noticed was a fist on his face.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yuki yelled and slapped the boy right on the face.

Shuichi looked at his lover, fear in his eyes. 'His acting just like the other times...'

The older boy kept undressing his small lover.

"Why Yuki... why are you doing this to me? Don't you love me?" Shuichi asked, his fear showing in his voice and tears on his eyes.

"You're my fuck toy. You do as I want. And right now I want to fuck you." Yuki said, a sick satisfaction on his voice and took the rest of his clothes off.

"You're a worthless piece of shit, good for nothing but to fuck!"

Shuichi said nothing. Tears run freely down his face. Voices flowed on his mind.

_You're worthless. You have no talent! You're nothing, NOTHING!_

"Please... stop..." he whispered.

"I told to shut up, you little shit!"

_Shut up boy! You scream too much!_

"No..."

_You make me sick, you freak._

"Stop..."

_Don't worry boy, you'll enjoy this... but not as much as we will._

"You like this, don't you, _Shuichi_?"

"Please..."

_It's my turn now. Hum, you smell good. But I bet you taster better._

"Noooo..."

The voices in his head were louder by the second. It couldn't distinguish them anymore. There were many different voices, yet they sounded the same. His head was spinning. That and the physicall pain he was feeling made him passed out.

--

The next morning, Shuichi awoke with a heavy 'thing' on top of him. He opened his eyes and saw his lover. He had fallen asleep still inside of him. 'He probably passed out from exhaustion and drunkenness.' He rolled to his side so he could free himself. He got up, grabbed a pair of clean boxer from the wardrobe and staggered into the bathroom.

He turn the shower on and waited for the water to get warm. While he waited he took a blade from a near drawer.

Shuichi looked at the blade, then at his arms, already covered in cuts. Some were already fadding. Some could still be seen marking his white skin. Some were just scars. He looked at his blade again. Memories from last night flowing in his mind. He took it to his skin. A cut. More memories. More cuts. He cut and cut and cut. Deeper and deeper. A single tear slidding down his beautiful face.

Suddenly he stopped, remembering he was in the bathroom and that it was getting late. He dropped his blade and walked into the shower, the hot water cleaning his blood.

--

Some time later, the pink-haired boy walked out of the bathroom. He looked at his lover, still fast asleep on the bed. He walked to the wardrobe and got dressed. Then, he grabbed his backpack and left for work.

--

"What the hell is this?" said K, pointing his gun at the pink-haired boy.

"Huh... singing...?" said a frighted Shuichi.

"Singing? _Singing?_ That's not singing! That's just noise! Or you go there and sing or we'll be having a big problem, got that?"

"... Fine. I just a need a break."

"Alright. You have 15 minutes. Then you better start singing!"

"Okay, okay."

"Shuichi, are you alright? You seem... sad." said Hiro.

Shuichi looked at his best friend and saw worry in his eyes. 'Damn, he's worried because of me.'

"Why shouldn't I be?" said a grinning boy.

Hiro looked at his friend intentely.

"I don't buy that. But I'll let you tell me what's wrong when you feel the need to."

"I'm fine, really. Just not in the mood to sing, that's all."

"_Not in the mood to sing_? But Shuichi, you live to sing! You have always loved to sing. And can't remember a day you won't feel like singing!"

"Hiro, everyone has its days. And today's not mine, that's all."

He went for his backpack and took a pack of cigarettes and lit one up.

"And now you smoke?!"

'Shit! I really am stupid!'

"Yeah."

"Yeah? That's all you have to say?"

"Look Hiro, yes, I smoke, and I smoke for a while now. I just haven't said it to anyone. And now I just forgot about that. I love to smoke, I'm addicted now and I don't care if it affects my voice. But until now it hasn't." the small boy said, indifference in his voice.

"What the hell is happening to you Shu? You've changed. You've changed a lot."

"Everybody changes Hiro."

"Yeah, maybe..."

--

In some other place, a blonde boy was awaking with a headache. 'Shit, my head hurts.'

He lifted is head slowly and looked around. 'Hum, the brat is not here. He's probably at the studio.' He looked the clock on the bedside table. '12 p.m. already? Shit, I have work to do.'

He got up, got dressed and went to the kitchen to get some painkillers for his head and a cup of coffee. And then he went to his studio to work on his novel.

--

When Shuichi got home, Yuki wasn't there. 'No, not again... I can't take it...'

He went to the kitchen and took a beer can from the fridge. He returned to the living room and took his pack of cigarettes, litghing one up and sat on the windowsill. He looked outside. It was dark and the street lamps were on. Cars passed by. People walked fast, eager to get home. A gentle but cold breeze was blowing. It began to rain. People were running now.

Shuichi finishied his second cigarette and his beer. He get a new can and sat again on the windowsill, lightning a new cigarette. He remembered a song he had listened to the other day and began singing it.

--

Yuki opened the front door and heard Shuichi's voice. He was singing quietly, just to himself.

_"...another day_

_All the world is waiting for the sun_

_Rain, rain go away_

_Come again another day_

_All the world is waiting for the sun_

_To lie here under you_

_Is all that I could ever do_

_To lie here under you is all_

_To lie here under you_

_Is all that I can ever do_

_To lie here under you is all _

_Rain, rain go away_

_Come again another day_

_All the world is waiting for the sun_

_Rain, rain go away_

_Come again another day_

_All the world is waiting for the sun_

_All the world is waiting for the sun_

_All the world is waiting for the sun"_

"What, you don't like the rain?" Yuki said in a mocking voice.

Shuichi jumped. He hadn't heard the door and hadn't notice Yuki's presence.

"Shit! You scared me! What are you, a cat?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But you were singing and I didn't want to disturb you. New song?"

"... No. It's not mine. I just listened to it the other day and I felt like singing it now, since it's raining and all."

Yuki took is things to his studio and came out smoking a cigarette and looking tired.

"Where were you?" the younger of the two asked.

"In a meeting."

"Oh."

"Why?"

"Nothing, just curious, that's all."

Yuki approached his young lover and cupped his chin in his hand.

"You look sad. Did something happened?" the blond asked, concern in his voice.

"No, nothing happened. I'm just tired I guess. K made me work like a slave today." Shuichi laughted, a fake smile in his face.

"Humm..."

"What?"

"That fake smile of yours can't fool me."

"What fake smile? That's just your imagination." he smiled again.

"That one. You're not happy. You know I can see past that fake smile of yours."

"It's nothing, really. I'm fine. I'm just tired, that's all."

"I don't believe you. But I won't push you anymore."

Yuki approached is small lover and kissed him. A kiss full of love. He knew Shuichi was not okay and wanted to reassure the boy of his love. He wanted him to know he loved him.

They broke apart. Yuki grabbed Shuichi's hand and led him to their room. He needed his lover. He took him to their bed and lay Shuichi down, lying on top of him, kissing him passionately, savouring the sweet taste of his small lover's mouth.

Shuichi moaned into the kiss, forgeting all his problems and doubts. He loved when Yuki acted all sweet and gentle with him. These were rare moments they shared. It had nothing to do with desire and lust. It was all love and tenderness.

--

**A.N.** _And it's done for now. Hope you like it. I don't want to make this story a very long one but I don't want to rush either. Any questions or suggestions, please, feel free to ask me. Give me your opinion on this, good or bad. 'Till next time. _

_R&R! Thanks_


	8. Chapter 8

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello. Thanks for your reviews._

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.

Chapter 7

Dream

"Make him shut up." a cold voice said.

A scary looking guy with a basebol hat obeyed and punched the small boy in the stomach, making him fall to the ground.

"I have nothing against Eiri Yuki. If you do as I say, we won't blacken his name. But since you broke up... you won't mind that I ruin his life, will you?"

At this words, the pink-haired boy froze. He couldn't let that happen. Even if Yuki said he hated him, he was still in love with the writer. He couldn't allow these people to ruin his carreer, his life.

"Don't even think about it. I don't care what you do to me. But leave Yuki alone!" he said, determination in his voice.

The man in front of him was surprised. The pink-haired boy could see it. He wasn't expecting that. It was just a prove that this man didn't know him at all. Because if he did, he would know that the young boy would do anything for his lover. Or former lover.

"Come on. Do what you have to do. If that's the price I have to pay for you to leave him alone, it's pretty cheap." he said, a provocative smile on his lips.

The man in front of him smirked.

"You'll say that... after paying it... Shindou."

End dream

Yuki awoke to his lover's voice. Shuichi was dreaming. Actually, it seemed more like he was having a nightmare. He was whispering at first but then his voice became louder and louder.

"It hurts... please... stop... it hurts... aah... please..."

He started to cry. Yuki was worried now. 'Maybe is dreaming of something real...'

He moved towards the young boy with the intention of waking him up from his nightmare. He grabbed his arm gently. Suddenly he saw something he hadn't seen before. His arms was full of cuts and scars. He looked at his other arm and saw the same thing. 'What the fuck?! He's a cutter? It can't be. Not Shuichi.'

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to believe is lover was a cutter but the evidences were right in front of him. 'How come I never saw it before...?' He decided to awake the small boy.

"Shuichi, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Wake up." he said softly.

The pink-haired boy awoke, slowly opening his eyes. He looked at Yuki.

"What happened?"

"You were having a nightmare."

"Oh..." was all he said. He looked at his lover intently and saw saddness in his eyes. Something was wrong.

"What were you dreaming about?" Yuki asked emotionless.

"I... I... can't remember."

Yuki looked at him, his eyes serious as well as his voice.

"You were dreaming about your rape, weren't you?"

Shuichi wasn't expecting this. Actually, he could remember this dream. He just didn't want his lover to know.

"Why... why do you say that?"

"Because you were crying and talking about it."

"We-well, maybe I was then."

The blond touched his lover's face and cupped his chin.

"You don't have to lie to me. Tell me about it."

The young boy leant into the touch and closed is eyes.

"I was just remembering it. The things Aizawa told me and the... things... they did to me... well, reliving it's more like it."

He hugged Yuki tightly.

"I'm sorry. Don't worry about it. It was just a nightmare. I'm okay now."

"Okay, hum? That's why you're cutting yourself?"

Shuichi froze. 'No!! This can't be happening!'

Yuki grabbed him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"Shuichi, tell me, why the hell are you cutting?"

"... Are you mad at me?"

"Of course I'm mad at you! Are you stupid or something? This is not the solution! If you're having nightmares about your rape you could have talked to me! Or Hiro! Or anyone! Not this!" Yuki was really angry now.

"... I'm sorry Yuki... I... just-"

"If you want to feel pain, why don't you chop off an arm or a leg? That's real pain."

Shuichi felt like crying. He couldn't understand why Yuki was acting this way.

"Yuki, please, don't be mad. It's not that bad..."

"_Not that bad?_ You're cutting your own skin and you say 'it's not that bad'?"

"It's not, really. I okay. I-"

"Shut up! Stop saying you're okay. _You're not!_ A person who is 'okay' doesn't cut itself." Yuki grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom. He couldn't deal with this right now. He didn't know what to do.

'I really am stupid for letting he see the cuts. Of course he doesn't understand. No one does...' He curled into a ball on the bed.

A few minutes later Yuki came out. He looked at this lover on the bed and walked out of the bedroom.

Shuichi heard the door close, got up, put his boxers on and went after the blond.

"Yuki! Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Why?"

Yuki looked at the younger one.

"Because I can't deal with this now."

"... Are you disgusted at me?" he said sadly.

"..." he turned around and left the appartment.

"... I'm sorry..." the pink haired boy whispered, tears falling down his face. He collapsed to the floor, hands covering his face. 'What now? Will Yuki tell the others? Will they be disgusted at me as well? Will Yuki leave me...? No! I can't live without Yuki!'

"Yuki... please, come back..." he was crying so hard, all his body was hurting. He got up and went into the bathroom. He grabbed his blade. "You're the reason for all of this. But you're also the only thing that can give me some relieve from the pain in my heart."

So he cut. And he cut. Once more, blood was falling from his arms to the floor. He didn't care. It didn't matter anymore.

--

Yuki was sad, angry. But he was also lost. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to help Shuichi. This was a problem he had never had to face.

He knew there was something wrong with his lover. The saddness in his eyes, the frequent nightmares, the smoking, his fake smile, his panic attack. All this indicated that something was very wrong with the young boy. Yet, he hadn't notice the cutting.

He was very confused. He needed to talk to someone. And the only person who could help him was the one he was always trying to avoid.

--

"Eiri-kun, what a pleasant surprise! What brings you here?" said a smiling Tohma, as Yuki entered his office.

Yuki sat on the couch and lit a cigarette.

"I needed to talk to someone."

"Did you have a fight with Shindou-san?"

"... Sort of."

"Tell me about it."

"There's something wrong with him. And I don't know if I can help him."

"You still don't know why he had that panic attack?"

"No. But I think it may be because of his rape."

"He told you that?"

"No. But he has been having frequent nightmares about it. I don't think he got over it as fast he made us believe."

"Well, if that's the problem then-"

"That's not the only problem. He's not the same happy boy he used to be. The other day I found out that he smokes. And this morning, I found out something far more disturbing." he put his cigarette off on the ashtray and lit another one.

"He's a cutter."

"... Shindou-san is a cutter? That doesn't seem possible. Are you sure?"

"Yes. I saw the cuts and the scars. And he confirmed."

Tohma was speechless. Shindou-san was the last person he expected to be a self-harmer.

"I don't know what to do Tohma. I don't how to help him. And I don't know if he wants my help..." Yuki looked desperate.

"Well, maybe if you talk to him about this-"

"That's the thing. When I confronted him, he just kept saying he was okay, that it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think he understands the gravity of his problem."

Tohma approached his brother-in-law and sat beside him, putting an arm around the younger's shoulder.

"Eiri-kun, this situation seems to be disturbing you more than it should."

"More than it should? Tohma, Shuichi, my lover, is having panic attacks and cutting himself! Of course I'm disturbed!"

"Well, I'm just saying that you have a very fragile nervous system. And this is making you no good. Maybe the two of you should be apart for a while."

"What? You want me to be away from Shuichi when he needs me the most?"

"Maybe he needs to be alone. Let him deal with this problem by himself. It may be the best way."

Yuki looked at him as if he was crazy. He got up and walked to the door.

"I thought you had changed. I see now that you'll never change. I'm not leaving Shuichi. I love him, don't you get it?"

"Yes, I get it. And that's what I'm afraid of."

"Wha-"

"I'm afraid he hurts himself too much and that in the end you'll be the one that gets hurt the most."

"That's why I have to help him." He opened the door and left.

--

Shuichi left the appartment sometime later. He couldn't stay there. And now, he was walking to nowhere in particular. Just walking. He couldn't go to Hiro's, because even if Yuki hadn't talked to him yet, he would ask to many questions.

He didn't know what to do. He was worried about what would happen next. He didn't understand Yuki's reaction to his cutting. Although it thought it was normal. Everyone reacted like that when confronted with this kind of 'problem'. Yuki was no exception.

He arrived at the train station. He had no money or a ticket so he couldn't go anywhere. He looked for a place where he wouldn't be seen and sat on the floor. He took a cigarette from his pack, lit it up, and just stayed there, looking at the people running and thinking about nothing.

--

When Yuki arrived home, he found it empty. He went into the bathroom and found a bloody floor. His heart skipped a beat. Was that Shuichi's blood? On the sink laid a blade. 'Fuck! I should have know that he would do it again.'

He left the bathroom and re-entered the bedroom. He grabbed his cell phone and called the familiar number.

After a few beeps, he was getting worried.

"C'mon Shuichi, pick up! Pick up, god damnit! I need to know if you're okay."

He gave up. The pink haired boy would normally pick up after the second beep. He grabbed his keys and left the appartment, with only one thing in mind.

'I have to find him.'

--

After his fourth cigarette, Shuichi felt tired. He hadn't sleep very well, with the nightmares and all.

He looked at his watch. 11 a.m. He was late for work. 'K will be really mad.' he thought. 'Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. They probably know by now.'

A man approched him.

"Hey boy, what are you doing here?"

He froze.

"Wh-what?"

"What are you doing here boy? You can't stay here if you're not going to catch a train." the man said, his voice cold. He reached for the small boy's arm and grabbed it, lifting him up from the ground.

Shuichi's mind drifted. He was no longer there. All he could see was a man trying to hurt him.

"NOOOO! LET GO OF ME!!" he screamed desperately. The man imediately let him go.

"Calm down boy, I-"

"NOOO! PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE!!" He was crying now. He fall to the floor and curled into a ball.

"Please... it hurts... stop... please, stop..."

He was surrounded by people now, attracted by his screams. Suddenly, someone recognised him.

"That's Shuichi Shindou! From Bad Luck!"

"What? It can't be"

"Yes, you're right. It's him!"

In few minutes, all the people in the train station knew who he was.

"Hey boy. Are you alright?" the man that first approached asked.

Shuichi didn't respond. He wasn't listening. He was reliving a nightmare in his mind.

--

**A.N.** _I'm sorry for ending it like this. But it's necessary. I'll probably take a week or something to update. I can't do it sooner. Tell me what you think of this chapter. __'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks _


	9. Chapter 9

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long waiting. Thanks for your reviews. Enjoy._

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.

Chapter 8

At 11.30 a.m. the phone rang in Tohma Seguchi's office.

"Yes?"

"Seguchi-sama?"

"Yes, it's me. Who is this?"

"My name's Sakura Hino. I'm a doctor at Tokyo General."

"Did something happened?"

"I'm afraid it did. Shuichi Shindou arrived at our hospital at few minutes ago."

"Shuichi? What happened to him?"

"Well, we don't know yet. A ambulance brought him already unconscious from the train station. Apparently he had some kind of attack."

'Another attack? This is getting serious.' Tohma thought.

"I see. I'll be right there. And I'd appreciate if you say nothing of this to the press."

"That's why I'm the one calling you."

"Thank you. I'll be there in 10 minutes."

"Very well sir. Just ask for me on the reception."

"Thank you Hino-sama."

He hung up. They had called him probably because he was Shuichi's boss. But he had to tell Eiri. Even if he thought this situation was no good to Eiri's health, he knew very well that his brother-in-law loved the young boy.

--

Yuki was now desperated. He couldn't find Shuichi anywhere.

'Where is the damn brat? Something's not right.'

Suddenly his cell phone rang. It was Tohma.

"What do you want now Seguchi?"

"Eiri, something happened."

Yuki's heart skipped a beat. This was about Shuichi, he could feel it.

"What?"

"It's Shuichi. He was taken to the hospital moments ago."

"What happened?"

"They don't know yet. He was already uncouncious when they brought him there. But apparently he had another attack."

"What? Shit! Which hospital?"

"Eiri-kun, I don't think it's-"

"Stop. I'm going there whether you like it or not. So, just give me the fucking name."

After a short moment of silence, Tohma said simple.

"Tokyo General."

Yuki hung up. It would take him at least 15 minutes to get there, since he was in the other side of the city.

"Hang on Shuichi, I'm coming. Everything will be alright."

--

When he arrived, Tohma was already there, waiting for him.

"Where is he?"

"The doctors are doing him some tests. We'll have to wait."

They sat on a nearby bench.

"How is he?" Yuki asked, looking at Tohma.

"His doctor, Hino-sama said that physically he has no apparent problems, except for the cuts in his arms."

"Did you told-"

"No, I said nothing. I don't think that's the problem."

"..." Yuki put his head in his hands. Tohma looked at him, worry evident in his face.

"Look Eiri, there's nothing you can do to help him. Let the doctors do their job. They'll know what happened."

"... I hope you're right." He looked at Tohma, tears in his eyes. "I don't know what I'll do if something bad happens to him." he put his head on his hands again.

Saddness apeared on Tohma's eyes. He hugged his young brother-in-law.

"Everything will be okay Eiri."

--

Sometime later, doctor Hino went into the reception.

"Seguchi-sama?"

Tohma and Yuki walked to her imediately.

"Yes?"

"How is he?" Yuki asked, anxious.

"Are you related to him sir?

"... I'm his boyfriend." Yuki said, blushing lighty.

"Oh, Yuki-sama, right?" the doctor said, recognision in her voice.

"... Yes."

"Let's go to my office. We can talk there."

They walked to a lift and went to the 4th floor. They walked down a long corridor and stopped at a door.

"Please come in and have a seat." doctor Hino said and sat behind her desk, facing the two blonds.

"So, how is he?" Yuki asked once more.

"Well, we have run some tests on him, and apparently he is fine."

"Apparently?" Yuki asked.

"Well, apart from his collapse and the cuts in his arms, he's fine. Tell me, is he a cutter?"

"Yes. I only found out this morning but I think he had been doing it for a while now."

"I thought so. He as many scars and cuts but that's not the reason for his condition. The reason why Shindou-san is a self-harmer, however, can be the reason for his condition."

"And what condition is that?"

"Shindou-san his a deep sleep or if you wish a light coma."

"What?! This can't be! If there's nothing wrong with him, how come he's in a coma?" Yuki asked desperated.

"Eiri, calm down."

"You calm down. Didn't you hear what she said? Shuichi's in a coma! This can't be happening... It can't..." Yuki began to cry. 'It can't be...'

"Yuki-sama, I'll do my best to help him. But, right now, it's up to him. Has he suffered some kind of trauma?"

"... Yes. A while ago, the singer of a rival band contracted some guys to hurt him. And unless he cooperated, they would blacken my name, besides his of course."

"And he cooperated?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what they did to him?"

"I only know what his best friend told me. He was beaten and raped. And while doing it, they took some picture so they could send them to the press and end Shuichi's career." Yuki's voice was emotionless all the time.

"I see. So, you never talk to him about this?"

"Well, it was mencioned a couple of times. And I tried to talk to him about it once but he said he was fine and didn't want to remember it. So, I didn't push."

"Humm... It seems he wasn't really fine." the doctor said, writing everything down.

"... I've noticed." Yuki said sarcastically.

Doctor Hino looked at Yuki.

"Yuki-sama, I'm just trying to know what happened to Shindou-san so I can help him."

"... I know."

"Anything more I should know about?"

"Well, a few days ago, he had a panic attack for no apparent reason. And he also has constant nightmares."

"Humm... well, I'm going to take this to a specialised doctor so he can give his opinion on the matter."

"A specialised doctor?" Tohma asked.

"A psychiatrist."

"I see."

"Can I see him?"

"Yes, of course. Come with me. I'll take you to his room.

--

Yuki entered the room alone. There he was, in the middle of the white bed. He looked even smaller. And paler. He pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down.

Taking his lover's hand, the blond kissed the white fingers gently.

"Shuichi, I don't know if you can listen to me but that damn doctor said that you probably can. I know I haven't been the best of lovers. I know I should have treated you nicely. I should have treated you like you deserve. But I haven't. And I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean I don't love you. Because I do. I love you Shuichi.

Huh, funny how the only time I actually say the words, you can't listen. I don't want to lose you Shu. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I need you. That's why you have to wake up. I want to tell you how I feel. You deserve to know. No, you deserve to hear it. Because you already know I love you, don't you love?

You have to wake up so we can talk about this. So we can make you better. So we can exorcize the demons from your mind. Please, can back love, came back to me."

Yuki was crying now. His tears were running down his face and into Shuichi's hand.

"Please Shu-chan, just wake up..."

--

"And that's what have been happening." Tohma said, sitting behind his desk on his office.

Hiro had tears in his eyes. His best friend was as cutter. He had been having strange attacks. And now he was in some kind of coma. 'I should have known! I knew he wasn't alright but I never thought it was this bad.'

Suguru was speechless. He always saw Shuichi as a ball of joy. He thought he was the most happy person on Earth. Obviously he was wrong. And as one of his friends he should have noticed that something was very wrong with the boy.

"And what does the doctors think has caused this coma?" K asked.

"Well, they can't be sure since they haven't talked to Shuichi but it may been a trauma of the past.

"What kind of trauma?"

"Don't tell me it's the thing with Aizawa?" Hiro cut in.

"... We think it might be."

"We?"

"Eiri and I. Eiri told Hino-sama, Shuichi's doctor, that he has been having frequent nightmares."

"But he said he was alright! That he was over it!"

"He was probably just pretending so you wouldn't be worried about him."

"I'm sorry, but what's this 'thing with Aizawa'?" Suguru asked.

Tohma and Hiro looked at each other. It was time for the others to know, giving the circumstances. Hiro nodded.

"Well, Bad Luck debut was right after Ask debut, the band where Tachi Aizawa sang. But the fans seem to like Bad Luck better and that make Aizawa jealous. One day, Shuichi was at the train station but some fans recognised him and he had to run. And then when he met Aizawa, who tried to help him escape. But he ended up running as well, since the fans recognised him too.

They went to Aizawa's appartment and he got Shuichi somewhat drunk. After a chit chat, Aizawa mencioned Eiri and Shuichi was startled. And he was right to be. Out of nowhere, two guys appared and grabbed Shuichi. Then Aizawa threatened Shuichi, saying that if he didn't cooperate they would blacken Eiri's name. So Shuichi cooperated. Even though they were separeted at the time.

They beat him and raped him and took some pictures to show to the press. That way, Shuichi's career would be over and Aizawa would be on top."

Suguru and K didn't know what to say. They had never heard this story. Sakano, being already Bad Luck's producer at the time, knew this story very well.

"How can someone be so bad? Just because Shuichi was talented and he was not, it didn't give him the right to hurt him!" Suguru exclaimed.

"Jealousy can drive men insane." Tohma replied.

After a few moments of silence, K remembered something.

"What happened then? I never saw these pictures on the papers..."

"After that, Shuichi went to my place and told me what had happened. I had never seen Shuichi that miserable. But what was really putting him down at the moment was that Yuki-san had said he hated Shuichi. He ended up fainting from exhaustion and pain.

When I left for the studio, he was still out and I knew he would be for a while yet. When I arrived here, I heard Aizawa talking to his bandmates about what had happened. Even his friends seemed shocked. I was so furious that I went to Yuki-san's house and confronted him with this situation.

At first, he didn't seemed concerned at all, which made me even more furious. But after some yells, he finally seemed to 'wake up'. We came here and well, I think he beat Aizawa up and took the film. And then he and Shuichi got back together."

"... oh..." was all Suguru said.

"What about Aizawa?"

"Well, let's just say he had a little 'accident' and ended up in the hospital and Ask was dismantled."

"It was all over. Then, what went wrong? Why is Shuichi in a coma?" asked Hiro to no-one."

"Maybe it's more than that." K said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what if something more happened that we don't know?"

"I would know. I'm his best friend."

"Yeah, but you didn't know he's a self-harmer, did you?"

Hiro shook his head saddly.

"Then, he may be hidding something more."

--

Dream

"SHUT UP!" the drunken blonde yelled and then kissed his lover roughly on the lips.

"Yu... ki... no... I-I don't... want... that..." Shuichi mumbled in between kisses.

Yuki stopped and pushed him to the bed violently.

"You'd do as I want you piece of shit!"

He took his shirt and then began to undress his small lover.

"No Yuki, you're drunk. I don't want this right now." Shuichi pleaded.

The next thing he noticed was a fist on his face.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yuki yelled and slapped the boy right on the face.

End Dream

Yuki awoke startled.

'What the fuck was that?'

He looked at his small lover.

"Shuichi, was that dream real? Have I really hurt you?"

--

**A.N.** _And that's all for now. Tell me what you think of it. 'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


	10. Chapter 10

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello again. Thanks for your wonderful reviews. Enjoy this chapter._

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.

Chapter 9

Shuichi slowly opened his eyes. An almost blind whiteness surrounded him, not allowing him to know where he was in. He sat up.

"Hello...? Is someone there?" he whispered.

No answer.

"Hello?" he said again, louder this time.

No answer.

It wasn't so white now and he could see his surroundings. He didn't recognised the place but it felt somewhat familiar.

'Have I been here before?'

He got up and gave a few steps. In front of him was what looked like an old temple.

'Where have I seen this...?'

Suddenly, a little boy came running. A little girl was running after him.

"Shu-chan, wait for me!" the girl screamed.

"Well, catch me!" the boy said, laughing.

"Not fair! You run faster than me!"

"Hahaha" The boy just kept on running, laughing all the way.

Shuichi watched the two kids attently. 'This is the dream I had a while ago! I remembered it!'

He saw as the little boy stopped in front of the temple, right beside him.

"Hi." Shuichi said.

The little boy said nothing.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

"Can't you hear me?"

Still nothing.

The little girl was now on the other side of the little boy.

They seemed to not notice Shuichi's presence.

"Is this the temple?" she asked.

"I guess. It looks like it..." the boy said. "Do you want to get in?" he asked her.

"No! It looks scary! I'll wait for mom and dad." the girl said with a scared look on her face.

"Well, I'm going in." The boy gave a step forward.

"Shu-chan, no!" the girl said, grabbing his sleeve.

"Don't worry Maiko-chan. I'll just take a peak." he said, grinning.

The girl let go of his sleeve. "Ok..."

"Go find mom and dad so you won't be alone."

"Ok, Shu-chan." And she left, running all the way.

Shuichi looked at the retreating girl.

'Maiko-chan? She actually looks like Maiko... But it can't be, can it?'

He then looked at the boy. He was looking at the temple. Then he took a deep breath and entered the old building. Shuichi followed him.

Inside, there was only a faint light iluminating the hallway.

Suddenly he heard a noise nearby. The little boy seemed to have heard it too.

"Is someone there?" the little boy asked outloud.

No answer.

"Hello...?" He asked again, while walking to the place the noise came from. Shuichi followed him again. The little boy reached for an almost hidden door and opened it. "Hello...?" He asked once more, taking a look inside. Shuichi stood beside him the all time.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm and screamed.

Shuichi almost screamed too. He hadn't heard or seen anyone to this moment.

"Don't be afraid boy. I'm not going to hurt you." a male voice said.

The little boy looked to the person grabbing his arm. It was a tall man dressed as a monk.

Shuichi thought he recognised him, but he couldn't remember from where. And it seemed this man couldn't see him too.

"What are you doing here boy? Where are your parents?" the man asked the little boy.

"I... I just wanted to take a peak, sir... My parents aren't here. They're at the park with my little sister..."

"So, you came here all by yourself?"

"Ye-yeah. I-I'm sorry sir, I'll just leave..." And he turned around but the man grabbed his arm again, this time harder. Shuichi tried to help the boy but his hand went right through the man.

"What the...?" he asked himself quietly, looking at his hand. "Am I a ghost or something...?"

"You don't have to go boy. Come, I'll show you the rest of the temple." And the man entered the room, taking the young boy by the arm. Shuichi followed. He needed to know what the hell was happening.

"No... You don't have-" the little boy started.

The man didn't let him finish his sentence.

"Didn't you want to see the temple boy? So I'm showing you the temple."

They arrived at a new door and the man opened it. He entered taking the little boy with him and closed the door, locking it. Shuichi went right throught the door.

It was still very dark in here so he couldn't see very well the man's face or this place they were in.

Suddenly, the man through the little boy to the floor. Shuichi run to his side, but once again, his hands went right throught him.

"Sir...?" the little boy's voice showed fear.

Then, another door opened, someone entered the room and closed the door again, locking it too.

"So, who do we have here?" A new male voice said.

Shuichi was scared for the little boy. The sound of this man's voice was cold and cruel. He had a bad feeling.

"Well, it seems that our little friend here wanted to see the temple." the first man said.

"Oh, he did, didn't he? Well, I guess we can show him a "special" part of it, don't you think?" The second man said, smiling evilly and reaching for the little boy.

"Oh, I guess we can..." The first man said, doing the same.

The little boy backed away but the two men grabbed him by his arms and legs.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Please, don't hurt me... I didn't do anything..."

"Oh, but we're not going to hurt you boy. We'll just have some fun."

And they start to undress the little boy, much to his and Shuichi's horror.

"NO! Stop!" Shuichi yelled but the two men didn't hear him.

After undressing the little boy, they undressed themselves.

"Now, we're ready to have some fun."

"No, please, don't hurt me..." the little boy cried. He didn't seem to understand what was about to happen. He was too young, too inocent to know. But Shuichi knew very well what the two men wanted.

"Don't worry boy, you'll enjoy this... but not as much as we will."

Shuichi could do nothing but watch as the two men raped the little boy. He was screaming as his inocence was stolen from him. Shuichi screamed as well. It was like he could feel the little boy's pain. He fell to the floor in pain. He felt like his body was being torn in two.

"AAAHHH, NOOOO... PLEASE... IT HURTS!!" Shuichi and the little boy screamed.

The first man punched him in the face.

"Shut up boy! You scream too much!"

Shuichi couldn't take it anymore. He closed his eyes, tears still running down his face.

'Please, I don't want to see this. Please, make them go away, please...'

--

Yuki was very upseat. It had been only a dream but there was something wrong with it. It was like he remembered doing that to Shuichi. But it couldn't be, could it? If he really had hurt Shuichi, the boy would be gone by now, wouldn't he? Even if the pink haired boy loved him, he wouldn't stand being hurt like that, would he?

"AAAHHH, this is going nowhere! It was probably just a dream!"

'Then, why does it feel so real...?'

He sat on the chair next to Shuichi's bed. It had been two days since the small boy had been brought to the hospital. He was still in a coma and the doctors still hadn't found out why.

They all had come to visit Shuichi. Hiro, Suguru, K, Sakano, Noriko, Ryuichi, Tatsuha, Mika, Tohma. They were all very worried about the pink haired boy. They missed his joy. They needed it. The world seemed very dark without Shuichi.

His family had been there too. His mother was crying the whole time. She didn't understand what was happening to her baby. His father say nothing, but one could see the saddness in his eyes. His sister Maiko, was crying as well. She missed her big brother. Ever since he became famous and start living with Yuki, she hadn't seen him that often. She missed their talks.

They had stayed for a while. Yuki got up so they could be with their son and brother alone but Shuichi's mother grabbed his arm and didn't let him leave. He was somewhat part of the family so he had the right to be there with them. And so he stayed with them, sharing his pain with his lover's family.

Yuki was alone with Shuichi now. It was night already, but he had permition to stay. He didn't want to leave Shuichi. He knew that, somehow, his small lover needed him.

He touched his lover's beautiful face lightly and then took his small hand in his.

"Shuichi, wake up. I need you, please. I need to know what's happening to you. I want to see your smile. I want to hear your laugh. I want to see your eyes, your beautiful violet eyes. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you sing again. I love to hear you sing, you know? Of course you don't know, I never told you. I always say you have zero talent, that your songs suck. Well, it may be true when it comes to the lyrics but you have such a powerful, beautiful voice that even your crappy lyrics become good.

You know I hear to your every concert? I went to some of them, mostly because you beg me to go, but all the others I watched on tv. I love to see you on stage, pouring your soul out to all those people through your songs. But I don't like your costumes though. I have to talk to your manager about it. I don't want my boyfriend out there with those tiny clothes. Some things are meant to be private, don't you think?

That's why you have to wake up. I have so much to tell you. Please Shu-chan, wake up."

He kissed the small hand.

"Please love, come back to me."

--

When Shuichi opened his eyes, the little boy and the two men were gone, along with the old temple. He was somewhere else. But he knew this place as well. He looked around and saw himself, laughting with a guy.

"No, get out of here! He's going to trick you!" he yelled, but just like before, his other self and the other guy couldn't hear him.

"You're not so bad after all lazy eyes." he heard his slightly younger self say the other guy.

He knew too well what was coming. He closed his eyes and took his hands to his ears. He didn't want to see ou hear this. Not again. he couldn't take it. It was too painful.

"Please, just make them go away. Please, I don't want to see this again, please!"

He opened his eyes and saw those guys raping him and taking photos.

"You're worthless. You have no talent! You're nothing, NOTHING!"

He closed his eyes again. He could feel all the pain, just like before. It was almost unbearable.

"Please, I don't want to see this, please!"

--

"Any change?"

"No."

"Are you alright?"

"No."

"Why don't you go home?"

"No."

"Eiri-kun, please..."

"NO!"

"But, Ei-"

"Shut up Seguchi. I don't want to hear you right now."

"But you need to rest and-"

Yuki looked at his brother-in-law from his chair.

"Seguchi, I'm not leaving."

Tohma gave up. He knew that Eiri was too stubborn.

"That's what I was afraid of. He hurt himself and now you're the one who's suffering the most..."

"... I don't care. All I want is Shuichi to wake up and be okay. That's all I need."

"And while he's in a coma...?

"I'll be right here, next to him. This is where I belong."

--

Shuichi knew he was no longer in Aizawa's apartment. He could feel it. He opened his eyes. He was in Yuki's apartment.

"I'm home..."

Suddenly, he heard a scream.

"What the... Yuki!"

He run to the bedroom, where the scream had come from.

"Please be alright Yuki, please, be alright..."

He tried to open the door, but his hand went right through it.

"No, not again... Am I dead or something?"

He went throught the door and saw Yuki and himself on the bed.

"No, Yuki please, what are you doing...?"

"Shut up, you little shit!"

"Please Yuki..."

Shuichi saw Yuki punch his other self right in the face.

"Yuki..."

"SHUT UP!"

He punched him again.

Shuichi couldn't stand this anymore. This was one of Yuki's drunkennesses. And when Yuki was drunk, he would always hurt Shuichi.

Shuichi closed his eyes again.

"I don't want to hear this, please, make them go away, make them go away, please..."

«I love you Shuichi.»

Shuichi opened his eyes at the sound of his lover's voice. He looked at him but he was still beating and raping his other self.

'Am I going crazy. I just hear Yuki saying he loves me. But it can't be, can it?

«Shuichi, wake up. I need you, please.»

There he was again. Now he knew it wasn't the Yuki that was in front of him.

"I am awake Yuki. Where are you?"

«Please love, come back to me.»

"Back? Back to where? Yuki, tell me, where should I go? Where am I?"

He didn't understand. Where was this voice coming from?

Suddenly, his surroundings disappeared. He was now he some dark place.

"Yuki! Yuki, where are you?"

But no one answered. He was all alone.

--

**A.N.** _And it's over for now. Tell me what you think. I'll update ASAP. 'Till next time._

_(I just bought Gravitation Ex volume 1! It was just... weird? Words cannot describe my feelings right now. I've been waiting for so long for this. And I'll probably have to wait just us much for the 2nd one. Oh well...I'm sorry for my... huh... chatter. I'm just in a-not-so-happy-moment right now, althought I'm not feeling as bad after just having read this book._

_Again, I'm sorry for this whole paragraph. It was totally pointless.)_

_R&R! Thanks_


	11. Chapter 11

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hey there. Thank you for your great reviews. It's because of you I'm still writing this story. I'm sorry I take so long to update such short chapters, but it's my last year at college and the work is just too much. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it. Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.

Chapter 10

Shuichi was surrounded by darkness. He run everywhere but he couldn't find anything. He was all alone. He crouched down, hands on his head.

"Why is this happening to me? I don't understand. Where is everyone? Where am I? I just can't understand... What was all that? Who was that kid? He looked so much like me... but he can't be me, can he? Does this mean I'm dreaming? Or that I returned to the past or something? But that didn't happen to me, did it? Was I raped by those guys? But if I had been raped, I would remember, wouldn't I?"

He sat down, knees to his chest, his arms around them.

"Maybe I forgot. It's possible, isn't it? I mean, if I really was raped when I was just a kid, I may have repressed those memories. Who would want to remember something like that? And that kid, he was just like me. No only my looks, he acted just like I would have. And then the girl. He called her Maiko and she looked like my sister Maiko."

Suddenly, he remember what happened after that. His parents and his little sister looking for him and finding him lying in a pool of his own blood. His mother's screams, his sister's cries.

"It was me. I was that little kid. I... I remember everything..."

Tears were now falling down his face.

"I was raped when I was eight by those two monks. Then when I was eighteen by Aizawa and those two creepy looking guys. And now constantly by the one I love. But I can't blame him. Not really. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's always drunk when he does it and he can't remember it the next morning. And it's not like we don't do it almost everyday. It's just that... when he's drunk he's very violent. He treats me like a whore.

But maybe I am. Now that I remember everything, I know I'm a whore. I mean, I've been with a lot of guys. Not that I wanted, of course, but still... Yuki was the only guy I really wanted to be, even if he just thinks of me as a toy. But I don't care. I love him. And that's enough for me."

'Is it?'

--

When Hiroshi entered his best friend's hopital room, he saw Yuki sleeping on a very unconfortable chair with his head on the bed and his hand on Shuichi's. Apparently, his friend still hadn't awake. He approached the bed.

"Hey Shuichi, how's it going? You know, everyone is worried. No one knows what's happening to you and that's really frustating. You're the only one who can say what happened. So you have to wake up. I have a feeling you're fighting some demons in your head. But if you wake up, you don't have to do that by yourself. I'll help you, we all will. Everyone loves you."

He sighed. It was no use. Shuichi couldn't hear him. He was lost in his own mind.

"I'm going now. I have to go to Kyoto to meet Ayaka. She's also worried about you. So, see you later buddy."

He stood up and walked to the door. He looked once more at his friend and left the room.

--

Sometime later, Yuki awoke from his troubled sleep. He was having frequent nighmares where he would always hurt Shuichi.

He looked at his sleeping lover.

"I love you Shu-chan."

A tear slid down his face. He stood up and went to the window. He looked at the city in front of him. It was sunset and the city had a golden glow. He wished Shuichi was awake so they could see this together. He had never been a romantic person. How could he, when he had never been a very friendly person? But, now that the pink haired boy was with him, he wanted to become a better person, a better lover, even if shuichi always told him he was already great.

But he wasn't. Because if he was, something like this would have never happened.

"Huh..."

Yuki looked at the door when he heard the noise, but no one was there. 'It can't be Shuichi, can it?' He looked at the bed. His lover was stirring. He approached the bed slowly.

"Shu... Shuichi?"

The pink haired boy opened his eyes very slowly.

"Hum..." he mumbled.

"Shuichi, you're awake! I can't believe it!"

"Yuki...? he looked at his lover, his beautiful violet eyes showing confusion.

"Yeah, it's me love. How are you feeling?"

"I'm... confused... where am I?" he whispered.

"In the hospital."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"... No..."

Yuki sat on the chair and grabbed his lover's hand gently.

"Some people found you in the train station. Apparenty you had another panic attack and fell unconscious. They called an ambulance and you were brought here."

"Oh..."

"When you arrived at the hospital, you were already in a coma."

"... A coma? But... why?"

"No one knows. You have no injuries that could lead to that. The doctors suspect it's psychological."

"... What do you mean?"

"That something in your mind made your body shut down."

Shuichi sat on the bed and looked out the window.

"Shuichi... tell me what's wrong."

The younger boy looked at his lover. He rarely called him by his name. But it made him very happy when he did.

"Tell me why you cut yourself. Tell me about your nightmares. Tell me why you had those attacks. Please, I need to know. I want to help you. I don't want to see you like that, this, again. Tell me Shu-chan."

Shuichi felt like he was in some other reality. This wasn't the Yuki he knew. He was never this worried about him. Or had he hide his real feelings until now? Was he pretending to be worried? The pink haired boy looked at his lover attentively, watching his pretty face, his beautiful eyes. All he saw was worry and love. Worry about him, love for him.

"I didn't know why I had that attack at your father's house. I couldn't remember. All I knew was that I was talking to him about you and then something he said made me freak out. But I couldn't remember why. Nor the nightmares. Well, I remembered that last one, the one about Aizawa. But not the others."

"And now you know? You remember?"

"Yes. I think when I was in coma, I remembered everything. Well, relive it was more like it. I relived every bad experience that has happened to me, even the ones I didn't remember. I didn't understand what was happening at first, but somehow I figured out he was something that had happen in the past."

He stopped and looked out the window. Then, he sighed deeply and looked at Yuki.

"When I was eight, my parents took my sister and I to Tokyo. Kind of like a family vacation. We had a lot of fun. One day, during that week, we went to see the sights. We had lunch at some park and then I went to look for a old temple people said to be hunted or something. My sister went with me. We found it but she got scared and went back to the park. But I entered the temple. I looked for a while but saw no one. Suddenly, some scary looking monk appeared and took me to a hidden room, saying he was going to show me the temple. Then, another scary monk appeared. I was really afraid."

Once again, he stopped. This was very difficult to him.

Yuki, sensing his apprehension, squeezed his hand gently.

"It's okay. I'm here. If you don't want to tell me now, you can tell me later, it's okay."

"No. I need to say it now." He took a deep breath.

"I was afraid and I was right to me afraid. They... hurt me. They hurt me really bad. They yelled at me. They beat me. They... raped me..."

Yuki was shocked. Terribly shocked. His lover had been rapped by two men when he was just eight. How could someone do something like that to a child? Tears started to fall down his face.

"Shuichi... I... I didn't know..."

"Of course you didn't. I just remembered that myself. I guess I repressed it. Anyway, after that, my parents and my sister found me there, lying on a pool of my own blood. They took me to the hospital and some days later they took me home. I had terapy for a long time since I stopped talking. And I didn't let many people approach me. With time, I forgot all about that. Very much like you with Kitazawa. But the feeling was still there, and some years later I became depressed without even knowing why. That's when I started cutting myself."

"And your parents didn't notice?"

"No. I'm very good at hidding it. No one had ever found out. You were the first to see my cuts."

"And it took me a while to notice. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not like I wanted for you or anyone to find out."

After a short moment of silence, Shuichi continued.

"When I met you, my moments of happiness began to be longer. But my depression was still there. And then Aizawa came along and trapped me. Those guys were very violent but since I kind of agreed to it in order to protect you, it wasn't as bad. And I wasn't as young or small and I was used to have sex with you anyways. But, in the back of my mind, something awoke. That's when the nightmares began. I think it was by then that I start smoking too."

Yuki was overwhelmed by this discovery. He had spent so many years sulking about Yuki Kitazawa and his crime. Yet, Shuichi had suffered much, much more than him. And he was still a ball of joy. Even if most of the time he was pretending to be happy. How could such a pure, innocent person like Shuichi have such a past? It was too much.

"Shuichi... I... don't know what to say. It's too... horrible..." he was still crying.

The younger boy reached for his face and cleaned his tears with his free hand.

"It's okay Yuki. It doesn't matter anymore. At least now I remember. I guess I was in a coma because my mind wanted me to remember.

"There's a thing I don't understand. You had that attack when you were talking to my father. Why then? He didn't... hurt you, did he?"

"No! Of course not! I'm not sure myself, but I think it was because he called me 'boy' a few times."

"... I don't understand."

"One of those monks that... hurt me... called me boy all the time. I guess my mind somehow remembered it and felt in danger."

"And at the train station?"

"Probably the same thing."

Yuki stood up and sat on the bed next to Shuichi, hugging him. Shuichi hugged him back. And they stay like that for a long time, in silence, just hugging and crying. Eventually, they fell asleep in each other's arms.

--

It was 10 p.m. when nurse Kana went to Shuichi Shindou's room to check if everything was alright. She was expecting to see Eiri Yuki there, sitting on a chair next to the bed, staring at the younger boy, waiting for him to wake up, or maybe sleeping on said unconfortable chair, head on the bed and grabbing his lover's hand. She was not expecting to see Eiri Yuki lying on the bed in the arms of Shuichi Shindou. That was something unacceptable.

She approached the bed and shook Yuki not very gently.

"Yuki-san? You can't sleep in there."

"Wha...?" he membled, still half-asleep.

"You can't lie in the patient's bed. You have to get up."

He was now awake. He looked at the person next to him and then remembered what happened.

"He woke up! He's not in a coma anymore!"

"What?"

"He woke up a few hours ago. We talked for a while and then we fell asleep. But he's not in a coma anymore!"

Nurse Kana looked at the pink haired boy, then at the blond.

"I'll call Hino-sama." and she left. Yuki got up and sat on the chair, caressing the small boy's face.

A few minutes later, doctor Sakura Hino entered the room.

"Kana-san told me Shindou-san woke up."

"Yes, yes he did."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Yes. We had a long talk about what happened, before we both fall asleep."

"And?"

"You were right. The reason why he is a self-harmer is the reason for his coma. I told you about what had happened a while ago with his musical rival. But it seems it was not the only 'incident'. He never told me because he couldn't remember it. When he was eight something similar happened. He went to terapy and after a while he forgot about it. But when the same thing happened years later, his mind somewhat remembered it."

"Humm... I see. And that's why he had those attacks?"

"Sort of..."

Yuki and doctor Hino jumped at the new voice. Shuichi had awoke without them notice it.

"Shuichi, this is doctor Hino."

"Hello Shindou-san. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, I guess. So, you were talking about me?"

"Yes. Yuki-sama was telling me about your talk earlier. You don't mind, do you? See, we need to know in order to help you."

"... Yeah, I know. I'm not very confortable with telling strangers about my life but I guess it's necessary."

"It is. I've talked to doctor Okina after your arrival here. He'll be your doctor from now on, since this is not my area."

"Is he a psychiatrist?"

"Yes. Yuki-sama told me you had terapy a few years ago?"

"Yeah, I had."

"Good. So you know how it is."

"Good? He had to go to terapy because he was abused when he was just a kid and you say 'good'? I'm sorry, but that's not 'good'."

"Yuki, it's okay. I don't care..."

"But I do."

"Look kids, I didn't mean to offend you. You're tired so you should go back to sleep. Maybe you can go home now Yuki-sama."

"No. As long as Shuichi's here, so am I."

"... Fine. As you wish. Tomorrow morning Okina-sama will come talk to you so you can set up your sessions. Then, you can go home."

"Then, why not today?" Yuki asked. Definitely, he didn't like this doctor.

"He has to stay in observation. After all, he just awoke from a coma."

"Fine, fine."

"Well, have a good night then. And I wish you both the best of luck." and she exited the room, leaving the two lovers behind.

"Let's go back to sleep, okay Yuki?"

"Okay."

Yuki lied next to his lover, who imediately hugged him.

"Good night Yuki."

"Good night Shuichi."

--

**A.N.** _I guess it won't take too long to finish it. But you can never know. Tell me what you think about this chapter. I'll probably update next week. __'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


	12. Chapter 12

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello everyone. I'm back with a new chapter. This is sort of a transition chapter. I had a writer's block because I didn't know how to get where I wanted. But that's over now. Oh, and thank you for your wonderful reviews. I'm very happy that you guys like it. Well, enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters. Only this story.

Chapter 11

When Shuichi entered the apartment, with Yuki by his side, his hand on his lover's one, he couldn't be happier. Maybe he had a few bad experiences but they were all in the past. Now he had Yuki with him. Not that he didn't have him before, but now Shuichi felt that his lover was really with him, supporting him, sharing his pain, loving him. Yuki hadn't say he loved him, but now he could feel his love.

"Shuichi?"

"What?"

"You've been staring at him for a while now. There's something wrong with my face?"

"No, silly, I'm just looking at your beautiful face. After all, I haven't seen it for a while." he smiled. Yuki smiled back.

"You look so cute when you smile like that, Shu-chan."

Shuichi's heart was beating really fast now. Yuki, _his_ Yuki, have been calling _him_ by his name all the time, and now he was calling him Shu-chan! 'If I died now, I would die happy.'

Yuki approached him and kissed the pink haired boy's soft lips.

"Come on, you need to rest."

--

A while later, they were lying on each other's arms, panting for breath.

"That's not resting... Shuichi."

"... I know... But we haven't been together for a while now... I missed you."

"I missed you too brat."

"Hey! I'm not a brat!"

"Yes, you are." Yuki smirked. Then, he hugged his small lover and smiled sweetly at him. "You're my brat."

The younger boy leant into the hug and they fell asleep.

--

The next day, Shuichi was visited by his friends. Hiro, Suguru, Ryuichi, Noriko, K, Sakano, Tatsuha, Ayaka. Even Mika and Tohma went to see him. Everyone was worried about his well-being. He told everyone he was okay now, but they found it hard to believe. He didn't want to tell them about his past. At least not yet. He was already going to talk about it with the psychiatrist. And he had told Yuki about it.

After being assuring by Shuichi that he was fine and was receiving help, and Yuki's threats, they left.

"Finally, some peace and quiet! Why did they all had to come at the same time?!" Yuki was very annoyed.

"Forget about it. They're all gone now." He sat on Yuki's lap on the couch and kissed him gently. Yuki kissed him back, enjoying the softness of his lover's lips.

Suddenly, the door bell rang.

"Who the hell is now? They have all been here already!"

"I'll see who it is, okay?" and he got up.

"No, you don't. You have to rest. You stay here."

Shuichi smiled at the blond's actions.

Yuki came back moments later.

"Who was it?"

His mother appeared from nowhere, hugging him very tightly.

"SHUICHI!! My baby! Are you alright? Are you hurt? Tell me where it hurts! Mummy is here now my baby! Mummy will take care of you!"

"Mom... please... let go of me... I can't breathe!"

She let go of him.

"I'm sorry sweety, but I was so worried about you."

"I'm okay now. Everything's just fine."

"How can you say you're fine, Shu-chan?"

"Maiko! Dad! I haven't see you there. How are you?"

"The question is, how are you, Shuichi?" his father asked, while he sat with his daughter on couch, next to his wife.

"I'm okay."

"Don't lie Shuichi. Of course you're not okay. Now, tell us what happened." his mother ordered.

Yuki had been by the door all the time. He didn't want to intrude in this family reunion.

"Do you anything to drink or eat?"

"No dear, we're okay." Shuichi's mother answered.

Yuki blushed at the word 'dear'.

"Okay then, I'll be at my studio."

"No, Yuki, I want you to stay." Shuichi said, his eyes pleading.

Yuki looked at him, then walked to him.

"This is a family thing. I don't want to intrude."

"You're right, this is a family thing. That's why I want you here, with me." the pink haired boy said, blushing lightly.

Yuki blushed too.

"Shuichi's right. Like I said at the hospital, you're part of the family now."

"Alright then." and he sat down next to his lover and grabbed his hand.

"Now tell us son, what happened to you?" Shuichi's father asked.

"Well, apparently my mind was suffering and it shut down my body. That's why I was in a coma."

"And why was your mind suffering, Shu-chan?"

"Well, I don't know if you remember when we went to Kyoto when we're just kids..."

"Humm... kind of... I think something happened there..."

"Yeah, it did. You see-"

"You remember?" asked his mother, in an almost frighted voice.

"Now I do. I somewhat relived those events while I was in coma."

"Oh, Shuichi! I'm sorry baby! I didn't want you to remember something as horrible as that." his mother said, crying.

"That's okay mom. It's better this way. You all made me forget, but that's not the way I should have dealed with it. I know your intention was good, but actually it didn't help me."

"I'm so sorry son." his father said, tears in his eyes.

"What happened, Shu-chan?"

"Well Maiko, you see, we went to look for an old temple and we found it. But you were afraid and went back to mom and dad. Remember that?"

"I think I do. You went inside the temple, right?"

"Right. But there were these creepy monks there. And they... hurt me, badly."

"They beat you?"

"That too."

"What else?"

"..."

"Shu-chan?"

Yuki squeezed his lover's hand gently, giving him support.

"They raped me."

"... What? But you were just a kid!"

"Yeah... I know."

Suddenly, she jumped.

"I remember! Mom, dad and I went to look for you. And when we did, you were very hurt, bleeding a lot! I was so scared! I thought you were dead! Man, how could I forgot about something like that?"

"You were very young and we never talked to you about this. And since then I was alright, it's just normal you forgot. I couldn't remember it myself. Don't worry about that." he grinned.

"You say you didn't remember until you were in coma. Then, why were you're mind suffering?"

"Because I forgot, but the feeling was still there, in the back of my mind. It just took a little push to bring that feeling back, but not the memory itself."

"What push?"

"The Aizawa 'incident'."

"... Oh..."

His mother was crying loudly now.

"My poor baby! He didn't deserve to suffer this much! He's just an innocent child!"

"Mom, it's alright. I don't care."

"Don't say you're alright. You're not!"

"But I will be. I have you, dad and Maiko with me. And I have Yuki."

"How about Hiro? Does he know?"

"... No."

"Why not? He's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, but I still hadn't the opportunity to tell him. And I don't want anyone else to know, at least for now."

They stayed silent for few minutes.

"How come you never talked to us about Yuki-san? We found about him on tv. You should have told us, you know?" his father asked, all of a sudden.

Shuichi and Yuki blushed at these words.

"Well... I... I guess I... was afraid..."

"Of what?"

"Well... your... your reaction..."

"We're your family, we're going to support you no matter what." his mother said, a gentle smile on her face.

"Well, I sort of knew..." Maiko mumbled.

"What? And you didn't tell us?"

"It was Shuichi's life. It wasn't my place to tell."

"But he told you."

"He mencioned it, yeah."

"Look, it doesn't matter if Maiko knew or not before that 'thing' on tv. I just want to know how you feel about it..."

His parents looked at him with gentle smiles.

"Son, are you happy with Yuki-san?"

"Very much!"

"Then why should we have something against it?"

"Well... you know... because we're both... boys..."

"Shuichi, it doesn't matter if you're both boys. As long as you love each other, I couldn't care less."

"Mom..."

"Your mother is right. It doesn't matter."

"Dad..."

"So, when's the wedding?"

"Maiko!" Shuichi shouted.

"What? I just want to know when my big brother is getting married."

"How about children? I want a grandchild. A cute little one."

"Mom!"

Yuki stood up suddenly.

"Yuki...?"

"I-I'll get a c-cup of co-coffee. Do-do you wa-want something-ing?"

Shuichi smiled at his lover's nervousness.

"I accept a cup of coffee, then." Shuichi's father said.

"Okay."

"Do you have orange juice?" Maiko asked.

"Yeah."

"I want a glass of it, please."

"Okay."

"I'll have a cup of tea, dear."

"O-okay. Shu-shuichi?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Okay." and he left.

"He was really nervous, wasn't he?" Shuichi's mother said, smiling.

"Of course he was! You were talking about marriage and children!"

"Well, it's normal to talk about that, isn't?"

"Not for him."

"Why not?"

"... Long story. Anyway, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon."

"Waah! But I wanted to go to your wedding! And have a niece or a nephew!"

"Forget about it... I'm going to help Yuki in the kitchen. Be right back!"

When he entered the kitchen, Yuki was looking out the window, smoking.

"Why were you so nervous?"

"... I don't know."

The pink haired boy approached the blond, took a cigarette from his lover's pack and lit it up.

"Was it because they were talking about weddings and children?"

"..."

"Don't pay attention to them. You know how women are, always imagining fairytales and stuff."

Yuki looked at him.

"How about you?"

"What about me?"

"Would you like to get married?"

"... I won't say I haven't thought about that, because I have. A lot. But not anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because... I know you don't like that kind of stuff. And if I won't marry you, then I won't marry with no one else."

"And if you were with someone else?"

"But I'm not. I'm with you. I don't want anyone else. I don't care if I'll be single forever. As long as I have you, I'm not alone."

He hugged the older boy.

"Look Yuki, don't be upset about what my mom and Maiko said. They were just chit-chatting. We're fine like this."

"... Yeah, we are."

--

After two long, embarrassing hours, the Shindou family left the lover's apartment.

"Make them call before they come here again, so I can left before they arrive."

"It wasn't that bad, Yuki."

"No, it was worse."

Shuichi looked at his lover, who was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, with alarmed eyes.

"You... you don't like them?" he asked, saddness in his voice.

Yuki looked at his lover.

"That's not what I said."

He motioned his lover to sit next to him on the couch. Shuichi did as he was 'told'.

"Actually, I like them. For a long time, I wished my family was like that. I'm glad you have them."

"Yuki..."

"But they made me feel very embarrased..."

Shuichi laughed.

"Well, they made us both embarrased. But I guess I'm used to it."

"What? You're not imune to humiliation?" Yuki smirked.

"Of course not!"

"No one would guess that. By the way you act sometimes..."

"Hey!"

Yuki laughed.

"Come on brat, let's go to bed. You need to rest. Tomorrow is your first terapy session."

Shuichi looked sad all of a sudden.

"Yeah..."

Yuki hugged him.

"It will be alright. I'll be there. If you want to, that is..."

"Of course I want! I'll feel much better knowing you're there."

"Alright then. Let's get some sleep."

"Okay."

--

**A.N.** _And it's over. It doesn't have important events but as I said before, this is a transition chapter. I'll try to update ASAP, probably next monday (if teachers give me a break.) __'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


	13. Chapter 13

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello everyone. Thank you so much for reviewing. I'm so sorry about the long wait. But I really couldn't update any sooner. I'm really sorry. Anyway, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.

Chapter 12

Shuichi awoke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Reaching for the nightstand, he grabbed it and answered it without seeing who it was.

"Hello?" he mumbled.

"Shuichi, where the hell are you?"

"Hiro?"

"Yeah, Hiro. You're late! K is on his way and he's not happy!"

"Wha..." he looked at the clock. It was 11 a.m.

"Shit! I overslept! Why didn't you call earlier?"

"I did. You just didn't answer it."

He got up and went into the bathroom.

"Shit, shit, shit! Yuki will not be happy if K shows up."

"Then hurry up and be ready when he gets there."

"Okay. See you in a while. And thanks for warning me."

"No problem. Bye."

He hung up and got into the shower.

--

Five minutes later he left the bathroom and went for the wardrobe to get some clean clothes. He dressed up and looked at the bed. Yuki was still fast asleep, unaware of his lover's hurry. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, he scribbled a few words down and run for the front door.

When he was closing the door, a voice made him jump.

"You know what time it is, Shuichi Shindou?"

"K! Don't scare me like that!"

"This is not the time for chit-chatting." he grabbed the singer by the waist and lifted him to his shoulder.

"You're late! What kind of professional are you? Ryuichi was never late! I thought you wanted to be like him!"

"Hey! That's a lie. Sakuma-san was, is, always late!"

"Well, he doesn't need to be on time. He's already a genius. You, on the contrary, need to work twice as hard! Now, let's go!"

The American throw him to the passanger's seat and drove to the NG Office.

--

Yuki awoke to an empty spot next to him.

"Brat?"

When he heard no answer, he got up and looked at the clock. It read 12:03 p.m.

'Huh... he's probably at work by now.' Then, he noticed a note on the nightstand.

«Yuki,

I was late for work, so I didn't had time for our good morning kiss. Anyway, I'll probably go to Okina-san's from the Office. You don't need to get me. I know you're busy today.

Love,

Shuichi.»

Yuki smiled. It has been a month since Shuichi got home and started going to terapy. And he was definitely better. He was happier and even on those days when he would feel that he wouldn't handle it, he would normally talk to Yuki and tell him his problems.

But Shuichi was still not totally fine. Yuki had caught him cutting twice, but instead of being angry with the younger boy, he would just talk to him about what drove him to that again. He knew it would take time, but together they were going to heal. As long as they were together, they would be fine.

Inspiration suddenly hit him. He was behind schedule with his new novel. But with all that happened, he just didn't find the time, the energy or the inspiration to write. But right now his mind was working really fast. He had a million ideas running on his mind. He need get to work right away.

--

Shuichi was feeling very happy. They had finally done all the new songs and the album was ready to be released. Because of his coma and everything after that, they had postponed the new cd release for a while. And it would have taken longer if it wasn't for Shuichi's stubbornness. Everyone wanted to wait until he was completely recovered. But the singer assured everyone he was alright, that he was ready to sing again. He didn't want to wait more. He needed his music, just like he needed Yuki.

Eventually, they agreed with his return to work, as long as he kept assisting his psychiatric sessions. They understood that this was a way of keeping him busy, of keeping his mind occupied with something he liked. After all, music was part of his being.

While he was remembering all the recent events in his life, Doctor Okina came to him.

"Good afternoon Shuichi-kun. How are you today?"

"Good afternoon Okina-san. I'm very happy today. We finally finished all our songs!" he said, smiling.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it. Let's go to my office, so we can talk about it."

"Okay!"

--

Yuki had been working on his novel non-stop when his phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Hello Yuki-sama, this is Kanna Mizuki. I'm calling you about your new novel."

"Hello Mizuki-san. I was about to call you. I already start working on it."

"Good. Come by the office and bring what you have."

"When?"

"In 30 minutes."

He looked at his wristwatch. It was 6:40 p.m.

"Fine. I'll be there."

"See you in a while then."

"Goodbye."

--

It was happening again. The endless fight. He would come with a new story. They would say he had to change something. They were never satisfied. The same thing happened weeks before, about the ending of his previous novel. He ended up having his way. After all, he was the writer. His will should always prevail.

And now, it was happening again. Yuki couldn't take it anymore.

"Stop it! That's enough. I'm the one who writes. I'm the one who imagines these things. I'm the one people recognise. I want to write this story, and I will write it. Whether you like it or not."

He got up and exited the room, leaving his editors ashamed by their behaviour.

--

When Shuichi arrived home, Yuki wasn't there. A note was left on the coffee table.

«I have a meeting. Don't wait up. You're probably tired.

Yuki.»

Shuichi smiled. He went for the bedroom, changed into his night clothes and lay down under the covers, thinking about his beautiful lover.

--

Sometime later he awoke. He heard some noice coming from the living room. 'Yuki is back!' he thought happy.

He got up and went in search of the blond. He found him sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, face on his hands.

"Yuki?"

Yuki looked up. He smirked.

"Just what I needed."

"I don't understand..." Shuichi had a bad feeling.

Yuki got up and grabbed the pink haired boy's face. Shuichi smelled alchool. 'Oh no! Have he been drinking...?'

"Yu-yuki? Have you been drinking?"

"What if I had, you little shit?" and he kissed him, very roughly.

The small boy started to tremble. He knew what was coming. It hadn't happened for a while. He even began to think that his lover had stopped drinking. He was wrong.

Suddenly, Yuki began to undress the pink haired boy.

"Yuki... no..."

A fist connect to his stomach. He felt on his knees.

"You do as I want, you whore." and continued to undress him.

Shuichi was crying now. He didn't mind about the sex, even if it was rough. What hurt him the most was the way his lover treated him when he was drunk.

"Please Yuki, you don't know what you're doing..."

"Shut up, you piece of shit!" he slapped his lover across the face.

"Why...?"

"You're my fuck hole. A cheap whore."

They were both naked now. And soon, he cried as Yuki entered him roughly. He felt like he was being torn in two.

Yuki slapped him across the face.

"Shup up, you whore."

"Yu...ki..." as all he said before fainting.

--

A few hours later, Shuichi awoke. Next to him lay Yuki, fast asleep. He got up carefully since he didn't want to awake his lover and he was very sore. He walked slowly towards the bathroom. He entered, locked the door and sat on the floor. He winced in pain.

'Why? Why is this happening to me? Why everyone keeps hurting me? Am I that worthless?'

He knew it was his fault. He had never said anyone about Yuki's drinking problem. Especially not Yuki. He was afraid his friends won't let them be together since Yuki was doing him no good. But he couldn't live without Yuki. Even if he hurt him like this.

'It's not his fault. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know he acts like that when he drinks. But it's my fault for not telling him, for not helping him.'

"I have to tell him... I have..."

He reached for the drawer and took an hidden blade. He looked at it for a few moments before taking it to his skin. He cut deeper and deeper each time. His arms were hurting now, but his heart was still hurting more. He needed to cry, but like many times before, he couldn't. So he cut. It was his way of crying.

When he felt relieved, he stopped and reached for the shower and turn the water on. He entered the shower, feeling the hot water falling down his sore body, cleaning his fresh cuts and the wounds Yuki made earlier. And for a few minutes, he forgot all about the outside world.

--

After getting dressed, the pink-haired boy left the apartment.

"I'm sorry Yuki..." he whispered before closing the door.

--

In the morning, Yuki awoke with a painful headache.

"Brat...?"

When he had no answer, he sat up and looked around.

"Shuichi? Are you there?"

He got up, grabbed some clean clothes and went for the bathroom. What he saw there made his heart skip a beat. The floor was covered in blood, as well as the sink, the toilet, the shower. A bloody blade was on the floor. Yuki grabbed it.

"Why Shuichi...? You were better, why now?"

A tear slid down his face, followed by many others.

"Shuichi..." he mumbled. "What the hell happened...?"

After a few minutes, he finally snapped out of the 'trance' he was in since he first walked into the bathroom. He went back into his room, got dress, grabbed his keys and cell phone and left the apartment in search of his lover.

On his way to his car, he called Shuichi. But, just like before, he didn't answered it. Giving up, he called Tohma.

"Yes?"

"Seguchi, I need your help."

"Eiri? What happened?"

"Shuichi is gone."

"Gone? What do you mean?"

"When I woke up this morning, he wasn't there."

"Maybe he just left earlier."

"The bathroom was covered in blood. He cut himself again. And he doesn't answer his phone."

Tohma was silent for a few seconds.

"But, wasn't him better now?"

"I thought so, but I guess something happened. I just don't know what. Look Tohma, I need to find him. I need to know if he's okay." Yuki sounded desesperated.

"Don't worry Eiri, we'll find him. Do you want me to tell the others?"

"No, not yet. I may be worrying for nothing."

"Okay then. What do you want me to do?"

"Look for him. Maybe the two of us can find him before something happens."

"Something?"

"Anything. Tohma, something's wrong with him. I'm afraid..."

Tohma could feel his brother-in-law's pain.

"Eiri, we'll find him. And everything will be alright. I'm leaving now."

"Okay. Anything, call me. Bye."

"Okay. Bye Eiri."

--

A couple of hours later, neither of them had found Shuichi. They met in the park near Yuki's apartment.

Yuki looked like he was about to cry.

"Eiri, I'm sure he's alright."

"How can you be sure? Tohma, he's not okay. And I don't know why..."

"He didn't say anything before he went to bed? Did he looked different?"

"No, everything was okay..." Suddenly, it hit him.

"I don't remember seeing him last night... in fact, I can't even remember getting home last night..."

Tohma was intriged.

"How's that possible?"

"I... I went for a meeting with my editors before Shuichi got home. The meeting didn't went that great. Those people are just so simple-minded! Then, I got out and... and went to a bar. I needed a drink." he stopped.

"And then?"

"... I... don't remember very well. I think I might have drunk too much..." he had a vague idea of getting home and seeing Shuichi. He felt really nervous all of a sudden.

"What if..." He looked at Tohma, panic on his face. "What if I hurt Shuichi? I was drunk, I don't remember, but I have this really bad feeling."

"I'm sure you didn't. You wouldn't hurt him."

He then remember his nightmares when the pink-haired boy was in the hopital.

"When he was in the hospital, I had these nightmares-"

"Nightmares? Not about that bastard...?" Tohma asked, refering to Kitazawa.

"No... about Shuichi. I was hurting him..."

Tohma relaxed a little.

"It was just a nightmare."

"It didn't feel like a nightmare. It felt real."

"Real?"

"Like the ones I always had after killing Kitazawa..."

Tohma didn't know what to say.

"Why can't I remember what happened last night?" Yuki felt frustrated.

"Yuki...?"

Yuki looked up and saw the owner of that sweet voice.

"Shuichi, you're okay..."

"Wha-what are you doing here?" the younger boy asked.

Yuki approached his lover.

"What do you think I'm doing? I'm looking for you. Shuichi, what the hell happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"You disappeared! And your blood was all over the bathroom!" He reached for the pink-haired boy and touched his face lightly.

"I was afraid, Shu."

"Wh-why?"

"Because I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were okay. What the hell happened Shu?"

Shuichi didn't know if he should tell the truth. He didn't want to upset Yuki.

"Nothing happened. I just... felt sad today. I'm sorry. I should have cleaned the bathroom..."

"Don't lie to me. You know I can see when you're lying." They looked into each other's eyes.

"Shuichi, have I ever... hurt you?"

Shuichi's heart was beating faster now.

"Wh-Why are you-u asking?"

"I had these nightmares were I was hurting you... more like flashbacks... and I can't remember what happened last night, but I have a bad feeling about it... tell me, have I hurt you?"

Shuichi couldn't lie anymore. It was time to tell the truth.

"Yes... you have... but you didn't know what you were doing..."

Yuki let go of Shuichi's face and hung his head.

"What... what did I do?"

"It doesn't matter Yuki, I don't care." the small boy said, grabbing Yuki's hands.

Yuki looked at him.

"Of course you care! Or else you wouldn't have cut yourself like that! Tell me, what did I do to you?"

Shuichi hung his head.

"You... call me names, you beat me and... make me have sex with you." He looked at his lover again. "But you don't know what you're doing then! You only do it when you're drunk!"

When Yuki looked at his lover, he was crying. He had hurt his lover so much, and he didn't even remember it.

"Yuki, don't cry... it's not your fault."

"Not my fault? Shuichi, I've treated like trash, I've beat you, I've raped you. Of course it's my fault!" Yuki felt on his knees.

"Oh God, what have I done? How could I hurt you like this? Shuichi, I'm so sorry!"

Shuichi kneeled down next to his lover.

"Yuki, it's okay. It doesn't matter. Don't be sad."

Yuki kept crying, hands on his face.

"Ho-how lo-long... have-have I... be-been doing-ing it...?" he asked between sobs.

"For a while now. Eveytime you get drunk..."

Tohma was watching and listening all this. He didn't want to disturb the already disturbed lovers. He couldn't believe Eiri had done all that the the one he loves. Maybe he wasn't over what had happened with Kitazawa after all. Maybe this was a way of coping with it, even if unconsciously. Shuichi wasn't the only one needing help. Eiri needed it as well.

Suddenly, Yuki got up.

"Yuki...?"

"I... I can't be here. I can't be with you..."

"No! Why?"

"I... don't want to hurt you anymore. I... I couldn't stand it. I have to go. I'm sorry Shuichi..." and he run away, leaving a very depressed Shuichi behind.

"NO! YUKI, COME BACK, PLEASE!! YUUUUKIIIIII!!" Tears were falling down his face.

"Please, come back... I need you... please, come back... Yuki..." he whispered before collapsing, the emotional pain to much to take.

--

**A.N.** _I'll try to update ASAP. And I promise it won't take as much as this chapter. Tell me what you think about this chapter, good or bad. __'Till next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


	14. Chapter 14

**Where do I belong?**

**A.N.** _Hello. I'm very, very sorry about the long wait, especially since I told you last time I would update soon. But many things happened and I was unable to update. I hope you guys haven't given up on this story yet. And thank you very much for your wonderful reviews. Now, enjoy._

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. Please, do not sue me.

Chapter 13

Shuichi awoke in his and Yuki's bed, alone.

"Yuki...?" he whispered.

"Eiri's not here. He left. Remember?" said Tohma, sitting on the bed next to the younger boy.

"He left...?" asked an confused boy. Suddenly, he remember the events at the park.

"Where is he?"

"I don't know. I've been trying to contact him through is cell phone, but he doesn't answer it."

The pink-haired boy looked at the blond, tears in his eyes.

"Do you think... he's okay?"

"I don't know. He was very disturbed..."

"What if... what if he's hurt or something?"

"Then we would already know. Look Shuichi, don't worry. Eiri just needs time to think. Your little... revelation... was a bit of a shock to him."

Shuichi looked out the window.

"That's why I didn't want to say anything..."

Tohma looked at the boy intently. He seemed... lost.

"Shuichi, do you still love Eiri?"

The boy looked at the older man surprised.

"Of course I still love him!"

"You're not mad or disappointed or something?"

"No! Why should I?"

"Well, he hasn't been treating you very nicely, has he? You could be resented..."

"No, never! I love Yuki. And I always will. No matter what! I don't care if he hurts me. It's not like he knows what he's doing anyway..." he looked out the window again.

"I didn't want him to know... He didn't need to know..."

"Of course he needed to know! For what I understood, Eiri has a drinking problem. Not that he's an alcoholic, but he becames very violent when he drinks. He needed to know, or else he would keep drinking and hurting you."

"... I know... But now he's hurt..."

"Give him time. He needs to... adjust... to this reality."

After a few minutes of silence, Shuichi finally asked something he wanted to know for long time.

"Why don't you like me? I mean, why don't you want Yuki and I together?"

Tohma looked at Shuichi, surprise evident in his face.

"... I didn't think you were good enough for Eiri."

"'Didn't think'...?

"Now I know it doesn't matter what I think. Eiri needs you. I can see that now. I understood that when he found out you were a cutter and you were in the hospital. I thought he was just trying to annoy me since I was against your relationship, but finally I understood that he really needs you. He loves you."

"... Seguchi-san, I..."

"Look Shuichi, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to brake you two apart. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. Can you ever forgive me?"

"I don't have to forgive you. You were only trying to protect Yuki. Only, you were trying to protect him from the wrong person. I would never hurt Yuki, at least not on porpose. I'm not Kitazawa. I won't betray him."

"I know. I'm sorry Shuichi, I really am."

"I need to find him. I need to tell him it's okay. Can you help me find him?"

"Of course. I'll call a few people. We'll find him."

Tohma smiled, a real smile.

"I'll be right back. Try to rest."

"Okay."

Shuichi lied down. Tohma looked at the boy before leaving the room. He looked even smaller without Eiri by his side. No. He looked like he had lost part of himself. He needed to find Eiri quickly. They both needed each other right now.

--

After a few phone calls, Tohma went to Eiri's bedroom. Shuichi seemed to be asleep. He let the boy sleep. After all, he had been under a lot of stress. He needed to rest. He went back to the living room, sitting on the sofa.

He had called a few people and Eiri would soon been found. And hopefully, he would be alright. His cell phone began to ring.

"Hello Mika."

"Tohma, what happened?" Mika sounded disturbed.

"What do you mean?"

"Between Eiri and Shuichi."

"... How do you know something happened?"

"Because Eiri is here. And he looks totally lost."

"He's there?! Is he okay?"

"I don't think so. He locked himself in his room and hasn't spoke to anyone. I'm worried Tohma."

"... Okay, I'll tell you everything. You see, it seems Eiri has a drinking problem..."

--

Shuichi couldn't sleep. It didn't feel right without Yuki by his side. He needed his lover back. He went to look for Tohma, maybe he already knew something about Yuki's whereabouts. He opened the door and heard a phone ringing.

"Hello Mika."

'Yuki's sister?' Shuichi thought. 'Maybe she knows something...'

"What do you mean?"

"... How do you know something happened?"

"He's there?! Is he okay?"

'He's in Kyoto? I have to get there.'

The pink-haired boy closed the door and went back to the bedroom. He put a few things in a backpack and opened the door quietly. He didn't hear Tohma's voice so he closed the door just as quietly and slowly walked to the front door. He left unnoticed.

--

Sometime later, Tohma decided to check on Shuichi. The boy was no longer asleep.

"Shuichi? Are you in the bathroom?"

When he heard no answer, he walked into the bathroom. It was empty and covered and blood. At first, Tohma thought the boy had been cutting again but soon remembered that Eiri had told him the pink-haired boy had done it earlier. And, in fact, the blood was already dry. So, where was the disturbed boy?

--

Shuichi finally arrived to Kyoto. He had caught the train in Tokyo a few hours earlier. He needed to find Yuki. He hoped he had understood correctly and Yuki was in fact in his parents' house.

The small boy found it strange though. Yuki never went home. Especially not after the last time they had been there, when Shuichi's panic attacks had began. But, then again, his lover was disturbed, and when people are disturbed, they tend to do very strange things.

The temple was still a bit far and Shuichi had to walk to get there. But the thought of Yuki gave him strenghts to continue his "journey".

--

"He disappeared? How?"

"I don't know. I thought he was asleep. When I went to see if he was okay, he was no longer there."

"He didn't left a note or something?"

"No."

"He may have went to look for Eiri."

"That's my guess as well. And he's probably alright, but even so..."

"You're worried."

"... Yes."

"My, my. The great Tohma Seguchi worried about someone else other than his dear Eiri."

"You know I worry about you too."

"... I know. Even if you never seem to give a damn about me."

"... I'm sorry Mika. I know I haven't been a very good husband."

"Don't worry about that now. We'll talk later. Now, we have to help Eiri and Shuichi. They're the ones who need support."

"Very well. Don't tell Eiri about Shuichi's disappearence. He doesn't need to be even more disturbed."

"I agree. Call me when you have any news on Shuichi. Bye."

"Okay. Bye Mika."

--

Finally, Shuichi arrived at the temple. It was already night, so all the nights were on. He walked to the house. Everyone was probably there.

"Shuichi?! What the hell are you doing here?"

"Tatsuha? Is Yuki here?"

"Wha... Yeah, he's here. What the hell happened between you guys? Did you had a fight or something?"

"... No. Yuki... he found out something..."

"Something? Wait, don't tell me you cheated on him?"

"No! Of course not! I love Yuki and Yuki only! Look, I can't tell you right now. I have to talk to Yuki. Where is he?"

"... Okay. He's in his room. But he seems... upset. Sad, I would say."

Shuichi felt like he had a knot on his throat. He entered the house and went to Yuki's room.

"Shuichi?!"

"Hello Mika-san."

"Tohma was really worried about you!"

"... Oh, he was? I'm sorry. But I had to see Yuki."

"... I see. He's in his room."

"I know. Tatsuha told me. I'm going there now."

"Alright. Just tell me something. How did you know he was here?"

"I heard Seguchi-san talk to you on the phone..."

"I thought so. Go on then, I won't keep you anymore."

Shuichi bowed.

"Thank you, Mika-san."

He walked along the corridor and came to Yuki's bedroom door. He took a deep breath and knocked gently.

"I'm alive. Now go away. I don't want to see anyone." Yuki said on the other side of the door. He sounded hurt. Shuichi felt like crying. He opened the door and entered the door, closing the door right behind him.

"Look, I told you I-" Yuki stopped mid-sentence. He was expecting to see his sister or his brother, not his lover.

"Shuichi...? Wha... what are you doing here?"

"Yuki... I had to see you. I needed to make you understand."

"Understand what? That I'm a monster who has been hurting you?"

"No! That it is okay. That I don't care." He approached Yuki, kneeled in front of him and grabbed his hands.

"I'm not saying it wasn't hard for me to listen to you say all those things. Because, it was. More than the beatings or the rapes. But it's even harder not having you by my side. Yuki, I need you. Can't you see?"

Yuki looked into his lover's eyes. He was crying, just lie he was. He couldn't understand the pink-haired boy's attitude. He should be scared of him. He should be relieved that he was away. Yet, here he was, saying that he needed him.

"Shuichi... I... I need you too. I really do. But I can't stand the fact that I've hurt you."

"What's done is done. We can't turn back time and erase what happened. Besides, it's not like you did it on purpose. You were drunk. You didn't know what you were doing. It was a different you. And now that you know, you can stop drinking and it won't happen again."

"I... I don't know..."

"Please Yuki, don't leave me. I need you. I love you..." he kissed Yuki, putting his arms around his neck and letting his lover feel all the love he felt for the older boy. Yuki have into the kiss, totally lost in his lover's sweet flavour.

They broken apart a few minutes later.

"See? We belong together. It doesn't matter what happened. What really matters is the future. Our future. Together." The younger boy smiled, a true smile.

The blond smiled back. Maybe his small lover was right. He couldn't changed what had happened. But he could give Shuichi what he deserved for so long. His love. And maybe, one day, he could ask the pink-haired boy his forgiveness.

"I love you, Shuichi."

--

**A.N.** _Please, let me know what you think. I'm kind of lost right now. And btw, I'm very sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes. English is not my native language and I don't have much time to correct the chapters. I feel really frustraded when I see I posted a chapter full of mistakes. __Well, untill next time._

_R&R! Thanks_


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